
Class ^^r'i^ 3 5-^2-5: 
Cofpghtl^" L^ojl..^ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



THE 

VIRTUES, VALOR AND VICTORIES 



OF- 



Marcus Aurelius Hannabras, 

WITH SOME ACCOUNT OF 

Colossus Carrie Smash'em, 

THE SANCHO PANZA ATTENDING AND AIDING THE 

INTREPID KNIGHT OF ORPHANED GRABS AND 

WIDOWED SUBSIDIES, WITH GRACE 

NOTES FROM THE STRENUOUS 

AND HEROIC HEWGAG 



■OF- 



Truculent Te(My, the Toothless Terror. 



GEORGE McGUIGAN, 

YOUNGSTOWN, O., FEBRUARY l5, 

190I. 



Copyrighted According to Act of Congress, 1901 



THE LIBRARY OF 

CONGRESS, 
Two Co«M Recciveo 

MAY. 3 1901 

C«PVR«HT BHTHY 

CLASS CL XXa N*. 

3379 
COPY a 






* • « « • 



PREFACE. 

Of making many books there is no end: 
and much study is an affliction of the flesh. 

Let us all hear together the conclusion 
of the discourse. Fear God, and keep his 
commandments: for this is all man. 

And all things that are done, God will 
bring into judgment for every error, wheth- 
er it be good or evil. — Ecclesiastes, 



SIR HANNABRAS. 



SECTIOX FIRST. 



CHARACTERISTICS OF THE CHAMPIONS. 

Sir Hannabras; his paunch and parts; 
His charities, his virtues, arts. 
With some allusions to apt aides 
Reflecting- glory on his raids; 
Colossal Carrie; Toothless Teddy, 
The Rough, Remarkable and Ready. 



THE COLOSSI IN CONTRAST. 

When Carrie Smash'em first flew high, 
A-fighting booze, blood in her eye. 
Sir Hannabras, alms in him dwelling. 
Hot after subsidies went yelling. 
Ne'er lived and smashed a grander jag- 
Destroyer fell 'neath temp'rance flag 
Than Kansas Carrie. When she spits 
Upon her hands Rum falls in fits. 
And all allow that never knight 
So fair as Marcus flash'd in fight, 
Not for broad Union with brave troops, 
For Mark sent two stout substitutes. 
And yet he shines, effulgent star, 
In good g. o. p. G. A. R. 
Not only brave is Mark, but foxy. 
And prize patriot by proxy. 
At home he bled through every pore 
Whilst Rebs and Yanks shot, shelled and swore. 

Sir Hannabras, of Quaker stock. 
So noted as gray Plymouth rock. 
Was born in modest Buckeye state; 
That fact presaged he should be great. 



For in Ohio at each birth 

Glad throbs of pride perturb all earth, 

And Vulcan grimy, looking down, 

Begins to cast another crown. 

O valiant state, whose virtues raise 

Such sons heroical as Hayes! 

O noble land, in which McLean 

Works double-turn his boundless brain! 

It is blest boon with honor bright 

In such rare state to first see. light. 

For there, among her scions stellar. 

Pure is regal Rockefeller; 

He rivals wrecks, but in rich churches 

How he Satan soundly birches! 

He is so pious, prim performer. 

On Paradise he has safe corner, 

To which some day for trifling tolls 

He purposes to pipe-line souls. 

Ohio, too, 's glad, glorious state 

In which McKinley first cut bait. 

Unlike most babes, when at the breast 

Mac mewled a full-fledged Methodist. 

He ne\er even thought a wrong; 

His life has been one sweet church song. 

Indeed, his presence seems to say, 

"Come, sisters, let us kneel and pray!" 

And yet, but 'tis rank, base report, 

They say he swilled of pop plumb quart! 

What wretched crime when rumor loose 

Is so permitted to traduce! 

Would vital Blue Laws were in vogue 

So one might hamstring every rogue 

Who, with vile tongue and putrid pen, 

Reviles and libels holy men! 

But now, when Sloans and pugilists 

Have so eclipsed evangelists. 

What are so apt as tirade, error. 

Slanders, snobs, seductions, terror? 

It is enough to blanch chaste cheek 

Of Tammany — make Croker shriek. 

But we digress. That you may blame, 
But Dickens, sticklers, worked that game. 

-6- 



And there are others. Hannabras 

In course of time, it came to pass, 

On wisdom fed prodigiously 

And upright walked religiously. 

Indeed, it's said to be proved fact, 

He was in virtue so exact 

When but slight boy, but stout of lung. 

His perpendicular was sprung. 

His upright morals, white as snow, 

His backbone curving like brave's bow. 

And Mark today you may observe 

With that so Christian-culture curve. 

It's so pronounced he can not bear 

To sit or sleep in straight-backed chair, 

But has seats made to fit fair line 

His pious pose fixed in sprung spine. 

In Hannabras hale vertebra, 

Which gives his back that equine sway. 

Proclaims that he may truly boast 

He chums with Son and Holy Ghost. 

In fact, so'me folks opine that he 

Is one-third of Blest Trinity. 

But such opinion deeply shocks 

The Ingersolls and orthodox, 

And for some time we drubbed this doubt: 

Put that fact in, or cut it out? 

For there's no sin quite so egregious 

As false statement sacrilegious. 

What if some Paine in public print 

Audacious dared to howl or hint: 

In heaven above where all is joy 
No stupid sermons, son, annoy! 
Said Eve to Adam: "I'm content; 
"They threw us out, but got no rent!" 
Seme day Fitzsimmons up above 
May box with Wesley hand in glove! 
Blaine, looking down, to Voltaire said, 
"How poorly Cody's clothes fit Tod"! 

Such sentiments most shameful soil. 
And He should scribbler of them spoil, 
For no one should assail religion- 
No— not so much as 'Hammed's pigeon. 



Sir Hannabras, at early date, 
Displayed unique, surprising trait: 
When but plump babe, it has been told, 
j/^Vhen he had colic he'd yell, "Gold!" 
When old enough to toddling walk 
Of yellow-boys alone he'd talk. 
But paper 'he would tear to bits; 
Mere sight of greenbacks gave him fits; 
Hence some folks grave and some a-grin, 
Say he to Gage is clear akin; 
And some, not two, nor three, but dozens. 
Say Mark and Grover are close cousins. 
That is not true, although some others 
Declare prime pair are plainly brothers. 
'Tis true that each with equal grace 
Extends far forward into space. 
Each turgid paunch, crammed with gocd cheer, 
Describing huge, half-Giotto sphere. 
Though Mark, like Grove, seems 'neath his vest 
To have squat beer-keg bulge at rest. 
That doesn't prove, as some fools pother. 
They had at least the same forefather. 
To put at rest this weighty matter. 
We need but say that hosts are fatter. 
For instance, there is Osborne. Bill. 
Famed consul, fat enough to kill; 
Yet none, we b'lieve, has ever stated 
That he and Grove are blood related. 
Especially since Bill is prone 
To swear he props King Edward's throne. 
And fierce maintain, in fury true. 
He single-handed pulled Mac through. 
Whilst Osborne's pompous, curt and gruff, 
All crowned heads own he is hot stuff. 

Sir Hannabras, when he grew up. 

Held onto soft snaps like bull-pup 

Fast to ripe bone, or rubber boot. 

Or missionary onto loot 

In China, where cold natives come 

To Christ through cannon-balls and rum, 

"Which should be well, for Jesus, Lord, 

Avowed He brought with Him a sword. 

-8— 



And as to rum? Why, there is wine 

In church communion, food divine! 

And oft, you know, for heaven's sake 

Creeds roasted Brunos at sweet stake. 

Good prelates, chanting proud His name. 

Delighted fed fair, fervent flame, 

Which is best argument to stick 

Deep down damned throat of heretic. 

There's nothing better than pure blaze 

To purge out error in men's ways. 

How He, and Son, and Holy Ghost, 

Enjoyed an Inquisition roast! 

It matters not what heathen man says 

Of late reforming flame in Kansas, 

This fact remains, despite Fang's ire: 

No holy father equals flre. 

Each church should have blest fire-place 

For doubting thugs refusing grace. 

When men won't worship make them burn! 

In lethal flames let lobsters learn 

This trenchant truth: Whilst Gcd is love, 

Stiff sinner into hell He'll shove. 

Sir Hannabras where he was at 

Took early on financial fat 

'Beside Lake Erie. Getting rich 

He sudden caught politic itch, 

W^hich Galens say 's much worst disense 

Unceasing cursing centuries. 

See how it's made Boy Bryan err: 

Once honest man, now editor! 

However, though degenerate, 

He swore off being candidate. 

So far so good; may he repent 

And pine so truly penitent 

He'll cease with pen to prosy prcd 

And Grover join with rye and rod. 

O, brothers, let us fervent pray. 

F'or Bourbons' sake, Bill won't delay! 

Sir Hannabras. through tugs, lands, leases. 
Et caetera. grew rich as Croesus. 
At which time lucky it fell out 

-9- 



Limp, spineless friend went up the spout. 

That painful, but propitious, caper 

Resulted through endorsing paper, 

Or some such graft. Mark, large of heart. 

Fixed up bad debts, or larger part; 

And so with Mac, Knight Mark was soon 

The very solidest Muldoon, 

To Mac Mark freezing (this between us) 

So close as Vulcan froze to Venus. 

Knight did his head high saucy toss 

Right then, like vain rhinoceros. 

He bought loud pcnts and vests and coats, 

And plainly proved he felt his oats. 

Rare ties he wore in varied style 

Beat every rainbow, boys, full mile. 

E'en Berry Wall, once fashion's glass, 

Ne'er trotted in knight's necktie class. 

As to knight's hats it needs but said be 

They more than distanced Ted's that dread be. 

Sir Hannabras, his kill pursuin'. 

Rose ace-high en his friend's undoin'; 

So France, when gone her last simoleon. 

Through ruin deified Napoleon. 

However, notwithstanding, yet. 

Napoleon had git-up-and-get; 

In which respect McKinley? Zounds! 

He couldn't stay through three tame rounds. 

Sir Hannabras, close mortgage holdin' 
On McKinley. warm and cold one, 
Used paid-for power like proud caliph, 
Or mean, puffed-up, crooked bailiff, 
Advantage taking of disaster 
ITo make himself Weak Willie's master, 
Limp Willie shrinking meek as Moses; 
Mark cutting ice, unjointing noses. 
And so it chanced, through stupid blunder, 
Coarse knight at last e'en ruled the thunder. 
When he said "Rain!" it tubfuls fell; 
When he sa'd "Dry!" the drought was hell. 
But not alone in politics 
Stood, stands, he Herrmann fond of tricks, 



For he most-grasping ring can square; 

Knows when to jolly, when to dare; 

When best to shout for labor's cause; 

When in duped friend to flash-light flaws 

When wages should be kept up high, 

Election farce then being nigh; 

When best for him, in senate lurkin', 

To play bold part of Holdup Turpin; 

When it is best to bankers throw 

To make 'em cough up campaign dough; 

When it is policy, precise 

To close one's lamps and just look wise; 

When to refrain; when call on force; 

When best to marry, or divorce. 

But Hannabras is at his best 

When some reform's the button prest. 

Reform is now his chief est care; 

It forms alone his bill of fare. 

No matter what Weak Will may eat, 

Reform's rich Hannabrastic meat. 

Though flnest bird that ever flew 

Is young fried chicken served at 2, 

Plump knight declares reform is pickin' 

Better far than squabs and chicken. 

Though every virtue great and small 

He loves, his one that's cardinal 

Is charity. To aid his friends 

And him, himself, to gain their ends 

He is so good, loves them so much, 

He'd Sam's republic slug and touch. 

His great heart longs to take all in 

Away from Shylocks who might skin 

Plants unprotected. On his arm 

Columbia feels safe from harm, 

And, leaning on his broad, chaste chest. 

She, weeping, thanks God she's so blest. 

To see her thus so trust true knight, 

Secure in his high sense of right, 

Moves one in gratitude to say: 

"Colum., please never break away!" 

In her position, sentiments 

Arise discounting 30 cents. 

But being tried, apd true, and old. 



And he unsentimental, cold, 

Let no one dare to harbor thought 

They e'er felt other than they ought. 

Too often in this vale of tears 

Grows scandal on rank root Appears. 

'Tis better sure to doubt your eye, 

To tell your tongue, "You certain lie!" 

Than ready ear to lend to tale 

That So-and-So is fast or frail. 

Give every maid and matron out 

And widow benefit of doubt. 

So does good knight, so always bold 

And brave sw^eet, fair sex to uphold. 

Still he loves beauty— is wise male 

Who's oft bewitched where buds exhale 

Rare fragrance 'round. 

Sir Hannabras 
In every virtue heads first class. 
That fair, full reason 'twas so fit 
This history was lately writ. 
For it proclaims his every deed 
As true as Gospel, or best Creed. 
His moral portrait, we here limn. 
Is fair as you can get of him, 
And this the wherefore: Like bright sun 
He shines too blinding to be done 
With full exactness. None may paint 
With satisfaction such warm saint. 
As well expect poor daub to tip 
With dew lush grass, with love rose lip 
Of beauty luscious, as to pen 
Pure picture true of perfect men. 
It can't be did; nor can you make 
An old-soak nose with scarlet lake. 
Art does it's best, but night must lack 
Charms sombre when but ivory black. 
Like Davenport, in black and white 
One may suggest the peerless knight; 
But none alive, or who may live. 
May hope most gorgeous tints to give. 
However, though the knight we daub. 
We'll make a stagger at the job. 

— 12 — 



CYCLOPEAN CARRIE. 

Whence Carrie, valorous, chaste maid 

In bloom of youth, to Kansas strayed, 

Macaulay wrote not; Tacitus 

Refused to make reply to us 

When telegraphed. In Gibbon's Rome 

There's merest hint about her home, 

But nothing satisfactory 

Of her, or her glad actory; 

But daily sheets, which never err. 

Print rare conflicting lives of her 

Profusely finely pictured, whence 

We this true brief with care condense: 

Carrie Smash' em. Titan, Thor, 
Was born near "dark Plutonian shore" 
Out in Mizzouri, where they pack 
Much pork and thrive on apple-jack. 
And where they raise each year large crop 
Of Democrats too tough to flop. 
It is that state's glad pride to own 
She's bounded on all sides by Stone, 
Who, when he weeps— great men shed tears- 
Pours little, perfect, argent spheres, 
Which crowds of his admirers choose 
To gather up and blow for booze; 
And thus it happens that Stone's grief 
Booms Bryan's cause, truth's very chief; 
And proves again, as clear as night. 
Whatever is is rarely right. 

AVhen but a tiny, teentie girl 
(Permit a Whitcomb-Riley pearl) 
Within her crib, where Carrie sat, 
'Twas her chief joy to cuff each cat. 
She'd pussy punch below the belt. 
Him uppercut, and jab, and welt. 

-J3- 



In clinches she'd remove the fur 
AVith quick in-fighting, famed through her. 
Sometimes— and this you'll read with grief- 
Disdaining rules she'd sink her teeth 
Into her squalling, feline foe 
Till blood would on her didy flow. 
'Tis said no cat escaped her lair 
Without the loss of half his hair; 
And there's tradition that that toi 
One monster cat tied in hard knot. 
But that's unlikely. Fictions wait 
Upon wide pathway of the great. 
Let one become, like Boni, noted 
And he'll be thickly anecdoted. 
However, it is certain Carrie 
Displayed some traits of hot Old Harry. 
This is attested: When but 3 
She wrecked her cosy nursery. 
She pitched her dolly head-first through 
A window; tore her bib in two; 
She smashed smooth china vessel white; 
An earthen pup knocked out of sight; 
Her didy from her person tore 
And, raging, with it beat the floor; 
Sha seized her papa's Sunday hat, 
And didn't do a thing to that! 
But what she did we do not mean 
To put in print, but shove side scene. 
So long as Comstock's out of jail 
Some facts historians must veil. 

When Carrie's age was five or six 

She was a kind of crucifix— 

A little, lethal, live machine. 

Or bifurcated guillotine. 

Some said, but people do missay so, 

She had in her bad blood of Draco; 

Some others living in her town 

Said: "She's a chip off old John Brown." 

A wise man, versed in musty Greek, 

Swore she'd a dissipated streak 

Of Alexander, but he lied. 

For Alec tanked up so he died. 

—14— 



And Carrie? Heavens! She'd have dropped 
Dead in her tracks had beer corks popped. 

'Twas Carrie's great delight to dub 

As kid around in critters' blood. 

For her when 6 it was a boon 

To get a chance to carve a 'coon. 

And serpents? Why, that tot would take 

A rattler by the tail and shake 

Until he'd look as if he'd seen 

And been shot through a Swift machine, 

Or had been chump enough to fool 

Behind meek rapid-firing mule, 

Or had aspired once to swing 

Against Tom Hyer in the ring. 

At school, when but a slender slip, 
Her favorite fun was crack-the-whip. 
The boys, with whom she always played. 
Rough sometimes used the little maid;* 
But she had grit and was so tough 
She often made 'em howl "Enough!" 
It was a picnic, perfect treat, 
To see her use her fists and feet. 
At fisticuffs with lusty blades 
She'd give the toughest cards and spades, 
And, light on foot as now her talk, 
She'd win out easy in a walk. 
Swift as McGovern, stiff her blows 
Fell fast upon the nut and nose. 
'Twas she, in Waco, down in Texas, 
First placed the fatal Fitzic plexus. 
And she- it was, as all should know. 
Who floored a dub with pivot-blow. 
Ere time to think e'en indiscreet. 
She was on Boxing Easy street. 
Where'er she went, used fists and pins. 
She left a lot of small has-beens. 
Whom she defeated, not for fame. 
But for the glory of His name. 
In her today one plainly sees 
Confused, perverse antipathies. 
In order order to maintain 



IS- 



She crowned disorder calls to reign. 

However, so it is in war; 

For peace men, fighting, shed their gore. 

When Carrie grew to man's estate 

She very soon copped out a mate, 

Who, greatly aided by old rye. 

The good luck had to early die. 

Her grief was keen, but why, she cried 

Is question still unsatisfied. 

Some said, but said no doubt untrue, 

She wept for lack of No. 2. 

She proved base words were falsehoods when 

She soon thereafter wed again. 

She following the beaten track 

Of widows, God knows how far back. 

Her present victim late was seen 

To weep, but whether that canteen 

Prevails some places, or that he 

Is still alive, none certainly 

Appears to know. But we opine 

That he's alive brought forth the brine. 

Deep sympathy should go to clam 

For life bound to a battering-ram. 

But we advance too rapid. Here 
Is bit unique in Her career: 
Ere Cupid, rosy, roguish cuss, 
Who brings such pain and joy to us, 
In Carrie's chest had thawed thick ice. 
She, shucking corn, espied some mice. 
One of the timid creatures ran 
Up Carrie's what is leg in man. 
Did Carrie faint, and flutter, fall? 
Not on your boarding-house fishballl 
She calmly reached above right knee, 
Just where rash captive chanced to be, 
And pulled him out; then, with a smile, 
She said, "Now try the left awhile!" 

Would Maid of Orleans stood such test? 
Would Queen Victoria, called best? 
Would Catherine, great Cyprian queen? 

-i6- 



Would even Mrs. Sawney Bean? 
"Would lion-hearted old Queen Bess? 
Would Tulip Cheek, in bagg-y dress? 
Would Corbett even, or McCoy? 
Would old John L., once Boston Boy? 
We undertake to say, Not one! 
What Carrie did none else has done. 

Some fighting females, long since dead. 

Rode forth a-horse foes' blood to shed, 

But Carrie when She goes to jar 

Jugs, joints, or men, rides in a car 

And not upon a bull or bear. 

Or other critter hide-and-hair. 

For tone and style She e'er affec's 

Prime pair of telescopic specs, 

Through which when Tesla one time eyed. 

He people on the planets spied, 

Among them seeing Henry Eight 

With Wolsey in red-hot debate. 

The king maintaining perfect wives 

Are those alone in Paradise. 

Hen said the few he had decreed 

Upon his private block to bleed 

Were well enough, perhaps, b'gosh, 

But. dern 'em, none of 'em would wash! 

When Carrie through her soul's sash peeps, 

Rare heart of each reformer leaps 

Like circus horses when they spring 

And hurdles clear within the ring. 

Where gaudy fairies, togged in gauze, 

Gyrate per gravitation's laws, 

But not rules moral, which appear 

Opposed to most big picnics here. 

Pale pulpiteer most always dins 

That lively joys are lethal sins. 

That may be why good Carrie's now 

A stout old chestnut with no bough. 

It seems that She, whilst in pursuit 

Of perfect bliss, produced no fruit. 

However, She, like Hagar, may 

Cry out for cribstock some fine day, 



A-wailing: "Husband, dear to me, 
"Death, death, or rosy progeny!" 
'Twere pity should She starward shoot 
No sapUng leaving- from Her root. 
But it oft happens widows fair 
To look upon but poorly bear. 

Your farmer knows best soil wears out 

If constant plowed. There is no doubt 

But Sancho Carrie had the will; 

But Providence reigns o'er us still. 

Though Carrie never honored earth 

With issue not exciting mirth, 

She hath conceived true, happy plan 

To save sin-saturated man. 

Convinced that rum, since Adam's time, 

'S been at foul base of every crime. 

She proved the flood with all its bale 

Was caused by Noah drinking ale; 

That coward murder done by Cain 

Had damned inception in champagne, 

That fizzy stuff that is so fine 

Where ballet girls and sapheads shine. 

And She today has proof to show 

That drinking booze caused Adam's woe. 

Elve ate no fruit, but took stiff swig 

Of stuff that made her joyful jig. 

And then it was the L.ord, they tricked had. 

Elected they should be evicted. 

It is a very pretty tale if 

E'en the Lord did act as bailiff. 

But Carrie does not men evict; 

She holds that sinners should be sticked 

And holy clubbed, as some police 

Pound men to pulp to keep the peace. 

Here seems best place to slight allude 

To Carrie's kosher, simple food. 

She favored fruits; pear, peach and quince 

She craved, but cursed fell brandied mince. 

She held that alcohol in pie 

Was criminal of deepest dye. 

When pie was passed She'd take no hunk 

-i8- 



Unless on plate smiled good old punk. 

Plum-pudding-s fat, with brandy wrought, 

One time all winter fierce She fought. 

She said: "Men, eat that dev'lish mush! 

"And you will hellward surely rush! 

"The devil's in it! Imps and he 

"In that dish hide iniquity! 

"Of deep depravity it smells! 

"It is a limb of hottest hells! 

"If one commandment add I could, 

" 'Twould be: Eat not of brandy pud! 

" 'Tis horrible to see men eat 

"Of such dark, deep-damnation meat!" 

From every drink but water plain, 
She says She ever shall refrain. 
As ever did. She proves strong drink 
Accursed, tough, connecting link 
Forged by old Split Hoof, under ground. 
To keep this earth to Tophet bound. 
"The juice of hell" 's what She calls rum: 
"The swill of Satan" dubs She Mumm: 
And amber beer, instinct with hop, 
She swears is simply sinful slop: 
And whiskey? She's no words at hand 
To tell how vile it is and damned. 
She marvels how it was that He 
Made water wine near Galilee, 
And how it happened Noah swilled 
Until his seadog paunch was filled: 
Though short or tall, or thick or lank, 
He to repletion taxed his tank, 
Plain fact She never understood. 
Since God declared he was so good. 
"And then to know," so Carrie preaches. 
"How he took on that load of peaches! 
"The Lord in him was sure misled. 
"And for that jag should struck 'im dead. 
"O, had I seen him on that lark. 
"How^ I would pulverized that ark! 
*"At least, I'd done the best T could 
"To smashed that tub to kindling-wood! 
"To which I mean to soon reduce 



—19 



•'Each joint that sells the jag-jug juice! 
"O why do men these schooners drain 
"Of stuff next morning bringing pain? 
"O why do men with scarce a rag 
"Invest their earnings in the jag? 
"And there are women giving suck 
"To babes, and yet they chase the duck!" 

The dress of Carrie was not lace, 

But plain and coarse to match her face, 

Which scoffers say, and, saying, shock. 

Would stop a corsair, car, or clock. 

One Sunday and three riot suits 

She has, along with lined gum-boots, 

Which sort Welsh miners often wear; 

Her rubbers cost three plunks a pair. 

She joking said, "These boots come high;" 

They reach up half way to Her thigh. 

But of Her costumes, fare and freaks, 

This narrative more fully speaks 

In other sections. In a word 

Therein you'll see She is a bird. 

Here soberly we've tried to daub 

Mere outline. In full-finished job 

We hope to paint Her so precise 

You'll see Her soul storm through Her eyes. 

But here we say, and say emphatic. 

It takes fine art to fix fanatic 

On the canvas striking, true. 

In line correct and proper hue. 

The ocean's grandest when wild stirred; 

So, also, Carrie. When perturbed 

In action picturesque She's best, 

But flat, monotonous, at rest. 

Yet. at Her worst. She's bonny lass, 

And brave to aid Sir Hannabras, 

Who so reformed the world with Teddy, 

The Rough, Remarkable and Ready. 



TERRIFICAL TEDDY. 

Each Tacitus who tells about 
Terrific Teddy cuts some out, 
As if full truth he had some fear 
The work's integrity might queer. ^ 
But we propose, in plain A.-Saxon, 
To give complete all vital facts an' 
Some traditions. So Macaulay 
Wrote his English annals squally. 

An old historian, erring much, 

Makes Teddy come down from Low Dutch, 

In Holland placing Ted's foresire. 

That old historian was dull liar. 

This second Sancho of grand war 

Engaging thus much time and lore. 

Was proper born amid the stars, 

His natal planet ruddy Mars, 

Whence he was wafted earthward, far 

Descending here on falling star. 

Full-fledged at birth, like blue-eyed maid 
Glaucopis ne'er in cradle swayed, 
Ted for some time on Mars pursued 
All fiercest mammals and their brood. 
His pastime that, but martial mind 
To blood-and-thunder war inclined. 
And ere he quit his native planet 
He left alive no soul to man it. 
Hence, useless, Tesla, now with science 
With Mars you cut ice for alliance. 
"Late aerolites that struck this land 
Were hurled from Mars by Teddy's hand. 
Who there one day shot off his gun: 
And lo, great black spots on the sun! 
Mohammed played ball with pale moon: 
Ted Nelson-locked one day at noon 



Bright planet Venus, throwing her 
Beyond far Dipper and Great Bear. 
That feat excited nasty scandal 
Which we disdain herein to handle, 
Except to write: Marsmen were prone 
To lie and libel like our owm. 

In passing, let us say chief three 
Hale heroes of this history 
Are chaste as ice. 

When Teddy lit 
Upon this earth he made such hit 
As Grover lately w^hen he charmed 
One-half the world, one-half alarmed. 
His silver tones for golden ore 
Shall ever echo 'long time's shore 
Like Guiteau's crime. Immortal fame 
In vice and virtue lives the same. 
Judas and Nero, Burr and Booth, 
Defy time's gnawing, glutton tooth 
With quite so m.uch success as these; 
Christ, Plato,- Caesar, Socrates. 

When Teddy, falling from far height, 
Shot downward in meteoric flight. 
He jarred old earth from stem to stern 
And made the dead ones shrouded turn. 
New seas leaped forth alive; vast Alps 
Till then entombed heaved high huge scalps 
Above black clouds, which, moving slow, 
Bowed their high heads and ceased to blow. 
Awed sheeted dead, so feared, in fear 
Some places, sprinting, didst appear 
Horrific howling. Some stiffs stood 
By bars, but, failing to make good. 
Trim barkeeps cried, "You mugs vamoose! 
"This ain't no morgue! See? What's the use!' 
And then the lobsters, crushed and meek, 
Slow shuffled mute and took mean sneak. 

Ted's advent strange, so marked, erratic, 
Made changes instant, plain, emphatic. 

— 22— 



Comb, shears and razor used with grace 

Change much bum looks of hair and face 

Unkempt and stubbled. Teddy's drop 

Groomed like such service in a shop. 

All nature seemed as if made over 

From peaks colossal down to clover. 

That simile, we own, is stolen 

All right, all right, but nolens volen- 

S, as it is in stately Latin, 

Which now and then some verse comes pat in. 

Steal, authors, when for thoughts you grumble; 

'Tis better, bard, to steal than stumble. 

Here we confess, securely nail it 

That none may boastingly retail it, 

Tho' in^this matter we've no feeling, 

We've done and shall do lots of stealing; 

And pard'ning us is Solomon 

With his no-new-thing-'neath-the-sun. 

That sage, with lively nymphs to burn. 

Did authors then no two-spot turn. 

More things than Edison invented, 

More wonders than in mind demented, 

Succeeded coming of our hero: 

Things got to boiling when b'low zero; 

Dupes ceased to bite and solemnly 

All pastors scorned fat marriage fee; 

Wives loved their lords and lords their wives; 

No longer scandal followed drives 

At night through woodland's solemn gloom; 

Cashiers stopped stealing, and proved groom 

Quit selling grain for cash to rush 

The growler; bishops ceased to lush; 

And cardinals, with crafty hope, 

No longer prayed to rule as pope; 

No more cheap skates with noted sires 

Disgraced commands; strapped, lordly liars 

Quit sailing o'er to marry swag. 

A hank of hair, and bone, and rag; 

Pure Parkhurst grew prime pair of wings; 

Boss Croker quit remarks and things; 

Good Grover ceased to think out loud 

To teach the stupid, madding crowd; 

-23- 



Duello Boni ceased to slay 

In Paris writer every day, 

And also ceased to touch and buy 

And sell, and put it on shark's eye; 

Reformers ceased to hunt for flaws, 

And let up yelling, "Cram more laws 

"Into the statute-book to ball 

"Up all these sports that make men fall!" 

No more the preacher heard the Lord 

Call him to lambs who did afford 

More wealth and wool. So some things, Hutch, 

That Teddy, falling, chanced to touch 

Felicitous. 

Each tongue then he 
Spoke fluent with marked diarrhe'. , 

It seemed, at least when he was roiled. 
His teeming brain were castor-oiled. 
His periods, full of touching thrills. 
Linked lore with fat, cathartic pills 
So laxative his stump speech din 
Recalled Quixote's flux in inn. 
His lingual looseness some opined 
Was so pronounced since oft he dined 
On jalap mixed with diuretic 
Compounds partially emetic. 
Philosophy, he was so loose, 
He squirted like a grass-gorged goose. 
Hence some compared him to Lenander, 
But cheap wits called him Tom Piatt's Pandar; 
For paragraphers, dang their eyes I 
Respect not best men nor the wise. 
On Greek and Latin, liquid Sioux, 
He on no provocation drew. 
His Hebrew was so pure, surprised 
Jews swore he sure was circumcised. 
In Arabic so fine he swore an' 
Versed, men said he wrote dull Koran. 
His Latin, plain or tuned with trope. 
Brought him rare Gold Rose from rich pope. 
Ted's Dutch to him from Wilhelmina 
Brought frequent, fervid, flattering line a- 
Long with gracious bid to call and 
Be her spouse in dammed, damp Holland. 

-24— 



His Attic salt proved plainly he 

Gulp'd blood and Greek and wine and skee 

With Callimachus, and all wot 

Ted's Swede was Johnny-on-the-spot. 

His Welsh was joy and his Chinese 

Ting- Fang declared was just the cheese. 

Ted's Coptic charmed, and his high Celt 

Of bogs, begorry, loudly smelt. 

His Norse, we grieve, was rather poor, 

His grammar ragged and impure; 

But his Italian, Basque and Crow 

Quite in deep shade threw Cicero. 

But what's the use! It i's enough 

To say he lingual called each bluff. 

Ted's muscle matched his matchless grace; 

No cobra e'er could so embrace 

Bull, Boer, or black. When Ted took hold 

He crushed colossal critters cold. 

He once, like Samson, ripped huge brute 

From tip of tail clear to his snoot. 

Ourang-outang, and other ape, 

With one clout he'd yank out cf shape. 

He once huge ox punched en the cheek 

Into the middle of next week. 

Whene'er he landed hard, his bats 

Caved in the toughest slugger's slats; 

But Ted's main graft, when in warm muss. 

Was with the duffer's wind to fuss. 

His lefts were beauts, but when he led 

Big dexter duke the ring ran red 

With claret, which these days profuse 

Few fighters, fakers, ever lose. 

In ring, or any other, bout 

Ted never failed to score knockout; 

For he employed both strength and wits 

When needed, bunching well his hits. 

His punches told all right, Fitz, but 

His Klondike was quick upper-cut. 

With ])ivot-blow. upon the chin. 

Each champion he'd smash all in. 

It pleased the ring-side push to see 

Him side-step and block perfectly. 

-25- 



With oar and sail, with trap and trigger, 

He'd row, yacht, snare, and ring the figure, 

So gracefully, with skill and vim, 

He'd make the blocks of all sports swim. 

No better curler ever curled; 

No truer pitcher ever twirled; 

A Centaur he when proud he rode; 

Both sea and land were his abode; 

At sprinting Ted was such success 

He easy distanced fast express; 

When pigeon-shooting, every snap! 

Bang! fell a dead bird by the trap; 

AVhen on the ice he'd circulate 

He'd trim all experts up-to-date; 

His cricket playing, true and neat, 

Had all Great Britain at his feet; 

At poker, euchre, crib and bank 

And all such games he held first rank. 

In fact in each game, every sport. 

He led the bunch, so touts report. 

In war none e'er could Teddy reach, 

He warmest babe on bellic beach. 

He brought fair South between two days 

To see dark error of her ways 

And sue, on bended, bleeding knee, 

For Lincoln's love and amnesty; 

Made England howl and sneak away 

From her tough guts in Africa; 

Flew at Spain's dwarfs and like tomcat, 

Or terrier, tossed gaunt, grey old rat, 

Its vermin slinging o'er salt seas 

To senile rot of church disease. 

Tots lisp rare romance of Ted's row 

In Cuba, through his valor now 

Free, wealthy, glorious and glad; 

Of Greater Cuba he's proud dad. 

Swart Filipino, through Ted free, 

His name breathes in loved litany. 

And begs High Heaven condescend 

To be his faithful, fervent friend 

And paraclete. 



-26- 



As hunter, Ted 
Apt said to Cody, "Bag your head!" 
Bill held his peace, but sickly smile 
Proved Teddy had Bill beat a mile, 
He saying: "I am held ace-high, 
"But Teddy, boys, for me s too fly. 
"Besides his nerve, his skill and pluck, 
"That lobster has all kinds of luck. 
"I thought I was the prince— the pink— 
"And so I am. Well, I don't think! 
"I pulled my freight quick out of sight 
"When he made good all right, all right! 
"I don't propose to stand by him 
"And let him public douse my glim 
''When I for years had all them guessin'. 
"Defeat like that's too dang'd distressln'." 

Tales told of Tell, who shot brown bun 

From off Swiss head of his fair son. 

Pale 'fore fine feats that Teddy crown 

With halo bright of high renown. 

Which were far greater, more than chief. 

Had gun not touched Ted for his teeth. 

With all his ivories in his jaw 

His meat was mostly wild-cat raw: 

Bereft of them, cooked in huge kettle 

Is all his chuck, just plain spoon victual. 

Hence, sometimes Teddy makes grimace 

Before flat food to feed his face. 

When he was young and rum and merry, 

He'd eat ox whole or dromedary; 

But now when old and he does chum it 

With the great, and's forced to gum it, 

Besides spoon fare his only bait 

Is oakum picked in ship of state. 

His drink is gore: each day of blood 

He swigs an ample oaken tub: 

But not of beasts. Hot blood he drinks 

Is regal blue and has no kinks. 

Ted's dress is ornate. In his socks 
Of beaten brass are crystal clocks. 
And now when he's on fame apeak 

—27— 



He wears a clean-boiled shirt each week. 

His costumes all, both old and new, 

The peace disturb. In every hue 

On Wall street once his loudest vest 

Through Comstock brought about arrest. 

That good man meekly said such dress 

He must for morals' sake suppress. 

Dice gracing Teddy's dome of thought, 

Wild caddy wonderful was wrought. 

In no respect that far-famed hat 

Resembles stove-pipe worn for Pat 

Of Erin's isle. Hosts pleased avouch, 

Thoug-h fine, soft felt, Ted's hat's no slouch. 

Broad brim, all stained in many a war, 

Flopped low behind, stuck up before. 

Or at left side. Hat martial cut 

Much ice upon his noble nut. 

In Philadelph'a, in large hall, 

That hat made thousands frantic bawl. 

Crimped crown disclosed wide, ragged rent: 

Through there by chance Spain's cannon sent 

Hot solid shot, which shaved Ted's hair. 

He for short time was barefoot there. 

But why here longer linger, Lou, 
O'er trifles making such ado, 
When he, his body and great soul 
Should claim attention sage? Time's scroll 
Filled full of fictions for dubs' fame 
Should show hereafter just his name; 
Except, of course, the peerless two 
Twined with his own. They honor do 
Him glorious, and he on them 
Effulgence sheds: so gem on gem. 



- 28- 



SIR HANNABRAS. 



nECTioy sECoyj). 



THE PRELIMINARY. 

The three reformers meet and plan, 

Sir Hannabras to take the van 

For commerce clean; She's named to lead 

For ethics pure— for morals bleed; 

Ted, god of peace, to fight fierce, sore, 

Against red anarch and all war. 



THE COLOSSI IN CONCLAVE. 

AVhen night upon her ebon throne 

Sat playing solitaire alone, 

Sir Hannabras with Ted and Her 

Met deep to ponder and confer. 

Said Knight: "My people, we are met, 

"In solemn senate here we set, 

"A work much greater, friends, by far 

"Than His, when He stuck final star 

"In endless space— eternal plain— 

"To counsel on: How best to bane, 

"Demolish, crush out, do, destroy, 

"Each sin and crime— all lustful joy! 

"We mean in sin to squirt, or whoop, 

"The redhot, everlasting soup! 

"The grain is ripe and 'twill be sweet, 

"You bet, to get there with both feet. 

"We mean to prove reform 's no bJuff— 

"That we're no stiffs, but just the stuff! 

"The world of sin may scoffing shout. 

"But, babies warm, we'll ne'er fan out! 

"When we make good, all souls degraded, 



-29- 



"And the bum, how we'll have faded! 
*' 'Twill be a cinch! O, how we'll knock 
"From every evil, friends, the block! 
"We'll show the push we trot no nag 
"Who ever got the botts or flag! 
"AVe may be plain, and Ted's from Mars, 
"But we don't scare much at them cars! 
"And Carrie, though you've frightful flew 
"Mile heats, you've never cast a shoe! 
"Of course, right now, here at the start, 
"They'll hand us out the marble-heart; 
"But, friends, all foemen we will lace 
"Despite the de'il and frozen-face. 
"Sky-pilots e'en, who from the Lord 
"Ne'er hear loud calls to small reward, 
"May Scripture quote to prove we sin 
"And do their best to rub it in; 
"But you may gamble safe, each friend, 
"We'll give 'em back good as they send! 
"We're in His ring to give and take, 
"Not put on, nor pull off, a fake! 
"Dubs may find fault — may us accost 
"Declaring all reform a frost, 
"But, friends, here let me tip you off: 
"No true cause cares for taunt or scoff. 
"Let fool indecently expose 
"His lack of thought, stick up his nose, 
"Lampoon and laugh, or snarl and sneer, 
"Yet he no vital truth can queer." 

"It seems to me," here Carrie spoke, 
"It's high time. Teddy, here to choke 
"The chairman off. His flux of noise 
"Me satisfies he loves his voice." 

"I think myself," cried Ted with glow. 
"He plays hfs hand almighty slow." 

"I trust, my friends," replied the chair, 
"Each here with chips'll play them fair. 
"We've no cold decks, and none should squeal, 
"For you'll get action and square deal. 

-30- 



"We're not, howe'er, immune from slips; 
"So, if you wish, cash in your chips." 

Then Carrie thus: "You generalize; 

"I believe in raids and rows precise. 

"Talk is but the'ry, taut an ax, 

"Or hatchet, g-its right down to facts! 

"Your vapid pulpits vain appeal, 

"But clubs is arguments all feel. 

"Yell 'Come to Jesus!' till your face 

"Is black, you'll not move rascal race, 

"But mix some cold lead with your prayer, 

"And heathen temples then and there 

"Begin to tumble. I'm for war! 

"An' proud proclaim it en this floor!" 

"And so am I! But war for peace!" 
Vociferated Teddy. "Lease. 
"And Mrs. Stanton, Carrie Cat 
"And other females he like that, 
"My plans approve." 

"Let us," said She. 
"On plan of action best agree. 
"Here on this globe let us map out 
"Kach field of battle, every rout." 

"Route, Mrs. Smash'em," Teddy said. 

Said She, "You go an' bag your head! 

"My English may be off, I own, 

"But I make hist'ry when I stone! 

"Good old Queen Bess didst frightful spell, 

"But at reforming rung the bell! 

"And I'm like Bess! I am but dirt, 

"But, thrown fierce at joints, I hurt! 

"With your consent I shall recruit 

"Bold female band and level, loot, 

"Annihilate, these dens that sell 

"And broadcast spread foul slop of hell! 

"I am the Lamb of God. I ween! 

"I am a moral magazine! 

"No muzzle-loader, but clean Krag 



31- 



•'Improved to yank shot in each jag! 
"I am a two-edged flaming sword 
"And my commission's from the Lord! 
"I'll show these bloated, bum galoots 
"That I'm no two-spot, bet your boots! 
"I ain't no preacher, thank the Lord, 
"But rap rum devil on the gourd! 
"He is smooth people, but you'll see 
"He'll cut no ice when I'm cut free! 
"Old Nick's a lulu, I'm aware, 
"But sneaks when I leak out for bear!" 

Thus Toothless Teddy: "I approve 
"Full Sister Smash'em's outlined move. 
"Best way to surely civilize 
"Is rum and rogues to pulverize. 
"Long since so said Toledo Blade, 
"But still's increased vile liquor trade. 
"That seems to prove, I proud confess, . 
"Herculean force of pious press. 
"Let Sister Carrie liquor level; 
"I shall subdue damned martial devil. 
"And yet, methinks— suggest, of course — 
" 'Twere wisdom to unite our force. 
"There's strength in union. Keep in hand 
"Compact about you your command. 
"Then cut 'er loose! Jeehosseyfat! 
"The foe soon don't know where they're at! 
"That, Mr. Chairman, was wise way 
"In bloody Cuba I at bay 
"Massed powers kept. O, how I thrill 
"When thinking of San Choo-an hill! 
"Queen Mary, fixed up to depart, 
"Declared they'd find 'graved on her heart 
"Calais. In great big, Gothic type 
"On mine's Choo-an!" 

"The time seems ripe," 
Observed the chair, "to formulate 
"How these reforms shall ambulate. 
"Here in this map let us stick pins; 
"So proper each just war begins. 
"So Bonaparte with pins and maps 



-32- 



"Marked out his celebrated scraps, 
"And he, I take it, we may find 
"Most fit to follow." 

"I'm inclined 
"To think it best to follow me!" 
So Toothless Teddy said, said he. 

"And I," said Carrie, "have no doubt 
"My plans best suit both siege and scout, 
"Field and foray." 

"Then I advise," 
Remarked sage chair, "fair compromise. 
"I order you, you'll order She, 
"And She shall order all the three. 
"That's Upton and besides, to boot, 
"Comports with tactics signed by Root, 
"Who as bold warrior is so strong 
"As Pink-Tea Sampson Nelson Long. 

"To details now let's wise proceed: . 
"Each, first of all, must have swift steed. 
"And, Toothless Ted, I would suggest, 
"For you rhinoceros were best. 
"Not only is he strong, but seek 
"All o'er wide world, what's so unique? 
"Then see his pedigree? His chain 
"Ancestral reaches back to Cain, 
"Far prouder record for your mount 
"Than that of nee Gould's no-account. 
"And Mrs. Smash'em sure should go 
"Best straddling shaggy buffalo. 
"That animal is tough and large, 
"Swift in retreat, fierce in mad charge. 
"With tail erect, head near the ground, 
"How he could scatter joints around! 
"And if on march were dearth of meat, 
"He'd come in handy for to eat. 
"Thus he an engine military 
"Might join with grace the commissary. 
"True, rugged bison's back is not 
"In all the world the softest spot, 



33- 



"But Mrs. Smash'em, being fat 
"And chubby, makes up well for that. 
"Huge elephants were long ago 
"Employed in war by Scipio 
"And Hannibal, strong precedent 
"Sustaining plan I represent. 
"Great Wolsey meek rode milk-white ass; 
"The same should suit Sir Hannabras, 
"Who holds one's transport should agree 
"With him, or match 'im, mentally. 
"Thin bike fiend curving till spare spine 
"Describes artistic beauty's line, 
"Seems of swift wheel responsive part 
"All ribs and things — sum of fine art. 
"I am convinced the arms we use 
"Should cut wide swath and also bruise. 
"With ax and hatchet for assault 
"On beer and such I find no fault; 
"In fact, ideal are, I think, 
"To slaughter legioned, demon drink; 
"But, since foul upas we'd uproot 
"And crush the cursed carnal fruit, 
"We must have guns and dynamite 
"To shoot and blast crime out of sight. 
"Few things surpass the culverin 
"When raging hotfoot after sin, 
"And nothing speaks to conscience louder 
"Than grim gallows, or gunpowder. 
"The voice of God's unheard, so quiet 
"Beside loud-bellowing rage of riot. 
"And touching prayer? It moves no more 
"Than zephyr low when Dantons roar." 

"Allow one word: What sort of hat?" 

'Twas Smash'em's voice. "What, sir, of that?' 

"What sort you please," replied the chair; 
"One, or one dozen, or head bare. 
"However— but I just assume— 
"Fair lady might prefer large plume. 
"Prim Puritans, who nasal whined, 
"Wore hats with metal circlets lined. 
"They put their trust in Him and prayer, 

-34- 



"Yet thought it best to guard their hair, 
"Shield poorer holding Him on high 
"Than pewter pills and powder dry. 
"Elizabeth flew forth to fight 
"Arrayed in armor argent, bright; 
"D'Arc, both prey and pride of France, 
"In field and prison put on pants. 
"And Smash'em may, we might suppose, 
"Keep on her bifurcated clothes. 
"Firm, fork-ed garment seems to me 
"Far, far superior and more free 
"Than skirts, or tilters, or gauze things 
"Sweet Tottie flares out when she flings 
"Her limber legs high up in air 
"And makes bald-headed lobsters stare. 
"As Smash'em on Her stallion sets 
"She'd likely rip Her pantalets; 
"Hence, it is best— one of the boons— 
"To plant Her pins in pantaloons 
"Of lead or leather, which turn rain 
"And stand intact terrific strain. 
"But costumed neat, or naked, nude. 
"Is less important point than food; 
"For belly-timber fine, or coarse, 
"Props soul and stomach, foot and horse. 
"Napoleon's snow-bound legions died 
"And froze because they'd nothing fried, 
"Nor baked, nor boiled. We'll have no luck 
"If skimped is sanctity or chuck. 
"We can't expect choice victuals hot. 
"Nor smoking birds with gelid bot; 
"But is it vain to hope for ripe 
"Limburger, pumpernickel, tripe? 
"We must not trust in raven route 
"Us to supply with kitchen fruit. 
"We"— 

"Need no more to talk of fare," 
Broke Smash'em in. "Through fervid prayer 
"The Lord through Me will us supply 
"Food when we're hungry, drink when dry. 
"Cut out debate! Let us away! 
"Inert, I starve for saintly fray. 
"When early morn dyes red yon east 

-3S- 



"Let each one praying mount his beast 
"And us, firm phalanxed, loudly yell, 
"Besieging Satan's citadel. 
"This first attack should be rough rout 
"To smoke Sunflower weasels out. 
"Then let us, saints, begin attack 
"On towers tall of tamarac. 
"Quixotic deed keep in your eye 
"As brave you battle, dare, do, die! 
"Let no one mean his duty shirk, 
"But all get in their deadly work, 
"Each of us here, each ready raider, 
"Beneath His cross, like old Crusader! 
"Let's now prepare. Talk here no more. 
"Let us now groom fierce brutes of war!" 

And so they did. Ere matin light. 

All cap-a-pie, armed strong but slight. 

Massed dread they stood. So aw^ful, still, 

Plugs stout of Harold faced Duke Bill. 

Parkhurst exhorted long and prayed 

The Lord to bless quick-coming raid. 

He told them His Son died to save; 

That glory watched by martyr's grave; 

That in such cause 'twere life to die; 

That blood so shed did sanctify; 

That heaven brightly they'd illume 

Chanced they to fall— go up the flume; 

That honor hoary grateful decks 

Prized spots where braves pass in their checks; 

That in the Frohman's of each age 

They'd hold the center of famed stage; 

That they in marble, paint and brass, 

Lights incandescent and in gas. 

Should live immortal and be blest 

World without end among the best; 

That none should, save himself alone, 

Stand in so with, or share, His throne. 

Concluding prayer, blest Parkhurst flew 
With shrinking modesty from view. 
The valiant saints, with zeal aflre. 
Withdrawing, singing, to retire. 

-36- 



IMMEDIATE ATTACK ARRESTED. 

How true tho' God or man proposes, 
Fair woman in the end disposes! 

You saw conferring council fix 
How with crime's monsters best to mix; 
'Twas planned to drop, as plain you saw. 
Next morn clean knockout on sin's jaw; 
But all in vain. 

Dun, breaking day 
His nightcap gemmed had tossed away, 
Some few stars loitering in sight 
Like rounders loafing two-thirds tight, 
When Camp Reform, so called by Her, 
Got up, yawned, prayed, and buzzed astir. 
Soon, from trim tents, blue, curling smoke 
Of meals preparing plainly spoke, 
For vapor circling lazy there 
Infected morn with smells of fare 
In caldrons cooking. Odors thick 
Made rosy dawn look pale and sick; 
Such were strange scents some journalists, 
Contorted through convulsive twists. 
Prodigious puking added some 
To Camp Reform's effluvium, 
A fact reporters seized with zest 
To point profane full many a jest, 
One wretch abandoned, with a sneer. 
Remarking, "These saints smell so queer!" 
Reporters zigzagged through rank camp 
Like insects swarming 'round foul lamp. 
Time heavy dragged: still showed no sign 
Of troops preparing for thin line: 
Reporters, wondering, sauntering swore 
Reform-camp life contagious bore. 
Time killing jesting, roasting, thinking. 
Eating, growling, gambling, drinking. 
At last, behold, there fluttered loose 

-37- 



O'er Carrie's tent strange flag- of truce. 
It no resemblance peaceful bore 
To any other truce of war; 
But fork-ed stream'cl out In smart wind. 
At bottom of each length were twined 
Embroidered ruffles and stout string 
To Carrie to secure the thing. 
With wind distending flag, the whole 
Stuck puffed-out from supporting pole, 
One part especial very soon- 
Broad hinting gas-bag dubbed balloon. 
Short legs suggested sewer-pipes; 
Flag;'s color oft you see in snipes 
In cities large rescued by toughs 
For cigarettes, cigars and snuffs 
Consumed by swells, and dainty maid 
Of faintest fume of filth afraid. 
One pencil-pusher, pert and pale, 
Said, "It may mean she'll give leg-bail." 
Another: "Plainly aunty sets 
"New pace for cotton panty-lets." 
Another still: "Let swift be shot 
"Base wretch who'd stain it with a spot! 
And still another: "Let it wave, 
"Pure ensign of the broad and brave I" 
And so they tittered and they laughed 
Like lyric hero reckoned daft; 
But silent, awed, soon stood, salt tears 
Supplanting jests, haw-haws and jeers; 
For Carrie threw to them this sheet, 
"War Order No. 1" complete: 
"My Co-Commanders, Troops and Train: 
"This long delay, producing pain, 
"Retarding action this first day, 
"Fills me with woe, but not dismay. 
"I am too old, too stern and tough 
"To be upsot by one rebuff. 
"We've met disaster, it is true, 
"But we'll repair it and pull through, 
"Or else, so .sure as me you trust, 
"You'll see this camp her biler bust! 
"This, then, disaster sad and sore: 
"I've wrecked them corsets that I wore! 

-38- 



"Bought at Topeka bargain sale, 
"I thought and prayed they'd never fail. 
"But testing them severe last night 
"They went to pieces — are a sight! 
"Hence, it is ordered, you must rest 
"Till this disaster is redressed; 
"Or, till such time as it may take 
"Me to another pair to stake. 
"My Co-Commanders, you will read 
"This order first and make all heed 
"What I have writ. Put here a pin: 
"I'll be obeyed— have discipline." 

Short missive quaint, clear,, firm, but kind, 

Was not by its brave author signed. 

Nor was it written as you've seen. 

But issued dark in cipher green. 

Apt rendering above was made 

By Hannabras, who soon displayed 

Outside his tent, upon oak board 

Supported by his trusty sword. 

The dreadful news, which like keen dart 

Pierced poignantly each hero's heart. 

Each brave commander, every chief, 

Was doubled up with griping grief; 

Full many wept; some with loud cries 

Assailed high-towering, concave skies; 

Some, such their sorrow, so they raged. 

The ground they gnawed and fierce engaged 

With demijohns; some could be seen 

In clamorous crowds besiege canteen; 

One hero huge, pride of that host. 

In anguish yielded up the g-host. 

As often happens, rumors spread 
And, being false, like lightning- sped 
To this effect: Some dastard stole 
Into Her tent and didst unroll 
From Her Her corsets as She lay 
And made with them hotfoot away. 
Her brain benumbing with occult, 
Hypnotic passes. No insult 
Of deeper dye was offered when 



-39 



With impious hand the scum of men 
Tore from chaste temple's walls, inert 
In innocence, next thing to shirt. 

By such reports and rye inflamed 
One stalwart soldier fierce declaimed: 
"My Veteran Friends: A dastard deed, 
"Perhaps performed by miscreant Swede, 
"For vengeance through these leafy halls 
"Vociferous, vehement bawls! 
"To arms! To arms! J.je.t no one flinch! 
"The hell-hound let us catch and lynch!" 

Agreeable to valor's voice, 

Of all vast army flew flrst choice 

Tumultuous to bag wild beast 

And category him Deceased. 

Sir Hannabras detesting rout, 

Awhile danced wildly 'round about; 

Then on his trumpet blew such blast 

That even dead men stood aghast. 

He blew again and yet again. 

Arresting stampede of the men, 

Who, well trained, knew it meant retreat, 

Advance, or vict'ry or defeat. 

Fatigued and sobered, slow the host 

Returned to zeal-deserted post 

Where, inward pleased, She, with dark frown. 

Stentorian thus dressed 'em down: 

"Accursed Caitiffs! Limbs of Hell! 
"Despite your oaths you half rebel! 
*'Away each rascal mother's son, 
"But one who led, the vagabun!" 

She him, exampling, on the spot 
Had perforated, heeding not 
Appeals from Teddy, who'd resigned 
But for his peaceful pose of mind. 

Her loss and Hotspur's bloody doom 
Invested so the camp with gloom 
That none on guard to sleep could sink; 



40— 



They little did but damn and drink, 
Which is far wisest way to make 
Up for disaster and mistake. 
Intoxication oft preserves 
Peace public, numbing flighty nerves; 
But sometimes drunkenness perverse 
Works singular exact reverse. 
But reason tells you, people dead 
To all the world are like good bread. 
No harm inflicting. Rye and rum 
Also some clacking shes make dumb. 
If more got drunk so, why, of course. 
Far fewer men would beg aivorce. 

From what's been penned and what's been heard 

Some have erroneous inferred 

Her Holy War, so it's best known, 

Was fought out fierce by chiefs alone. 

We, like most writers of renown, 

Disdaining privates, but put down. 

Or outline, and that very brief, 

Important actions of each chief. 

Plain private soldiers, powder food. 

Should thank their stars wars have ensued 

To honor men with chance of death. 

O, what rare boon to yield last breath 

For country's flag, or flghting live 

For lavish monthly drib they give! 

Here your Macaulay must retard 
More yet war's action through regard 
For Nation's Chief, who sudden rode 
On giant charger to abode 
Of peerless Smash'em. Her he found 
Within Her tent upon the ground, 
Root's book of tactics in left hand. 
Mac vowed he'd come to cheer Her band 
Of gallant souls and say: "God-speed 
"All here prepared to battle, bleed, 
"Booze to abate — this ball to bathe 
"In flowing grace from Him to save! 
"Canteen accursed, feeding lust, 
"May you successful, Smash'em, bust! 

—41— 



"On, Christian soldiers! Bear your shields! 
"Or on them borne be from fame's fields!" 

Next on the grass fraternal fell 
Host holy wrapped in prayer a spell; 
His Excellency next they speed 
With drink to cheer, fine food to feed. 
With relish dining, him She fed, 
Him urging on to gorge. Fine spread 
Profuse was fit to proudly spring 
On count, or court, or combine king. 
When nearing walnuts, horrid yell 
Ear-splitting and dismaying fell. 
Wigs turning gray. 

AVhy shocking sound 
Shrill every soldier awful bound 
Must now perplex. In section three 
T^'here conflict sole's what' you may see. 
Appropriate your annalist 
May pull aside thick veil of mist 
Sound's cause or face concealing. 

Now 
We'll full report sad, fatal row 
Between two privates loving so 
Their fair friend, yet their lethal foe. 
Few but themselves and She, their queen 
Of broken hearts and heads, didst ween 
How mad they yearned. Their passion, pride 
And prowess led not to fair bride, 
But dread duello, whence fell each. 
Both double-leaded like poor speech 
Committees pay, and pay dang'd dear. 
Ad. rates, or more, to have appear 
Appealingly to mobs and packs 
Of Toms and Dicks and Joes and Jacks, 
Who frequent vote— some trickster name- 
Exult and cheer; then slave the same. 
Each vital candidate 's by rule 
Self-seeking, cringing, corporate tool 
Controlled by lobbies, to whom bows 
Now senate grave, then windy house. 



—42— 



One duelist so bold was slight 

And yclepted Snash, most worthy wight 

Who fought spectacular the scrap 

Porkopolis abroached to tap. 

One ball thin-flattened on hard skull 

With vast reforming projects full, 

Which fact some scribblers, for a joke, 

Said proved Snash head was teak or oak. 

Base scoundrels! E'en the honored tomb, 

In sacred silence wrapped and gloom, 

Satiric skunks, putrescent pests, 

Subject to pseudo-scathing jests. 

But aimed exact, one bellic ball 

Pierced noble heart. Then w^hat a fall! 

Ohio fluttered like struck bird 

And fell aswoon when news she heard. 

Hands tender placed salts 'neath her nose, 

But it was ten days ere she rose; 

Then pale in trance she mooned about, 

Oft crying sad, "Didst Snash fan out?"4 

The other party to the duel 

We'll merely say got good his gruel. 

Wrecked corsets, execution, fight 

And portents dark, excited fright 

With sorrow mingled, when instead 

Joy should have reigned and fire red 

And white and blue ascended up 

To prove how full ecstatic cup; 

For was not William, Wisdom, there, 

Prize statesman sage, with them to share 

Brief, it is true, some precious time 

Snatched from high task? So much of crime 

And grief converging at that hour 

Might well have made those Cromwells cower, 

But braced anew with strands of steel 

Her stanch resolve through gore for weal 

Of states to conquer. 

Each fierce fellow 
Done to death in dread duello. 
Interred they not, but sold for stuff 

-43- 



To medics, getting quite enough 

To corsets buy. Sometimes base wrong 

Befriends best right. We pass along: 

So able speakers often say 

When they've diverged from windy way, 

Or interjected flowery clause, 

Or flight, with little or no cause, 

Unlike Great George, whose farewell speech 

Composite shall time's deathbed reach. 

Before departing for his home, 
All-Wisdom William bowed his dome 
Of massive mind, whilst Parkhurst prayed 
That Mac and He wouldst bless each raid. 
In all that host each eye was wet 
When William said: 

"Friends, you are met 
"All men to comfort, most to save — 
"The Russell Sage, the siren, slave. 
"It noble is, it dims mine eyes, 
"To see you start to sacrifice 
"Yourselves to duty for to skin 
"Mad monsters and blind moles of sin. 
"Full many a house in sorrow broods 
"In village, city, solitudes, 
"Through tears ascending many a prayer 
"That He may guide you, guard and spare. 
"You have my blessing. Hasten soon 
"Millennium! Good-afternoon." 



ARRESTING ACCIDENTS ACCUMULATE. 

His Wiseness, with large body-guard, 

Not one so bearded as the pard, 

But ladies fair, some, it was plain, 

To suffer soon maternal pain. 

Departed, sutlers, chieftains, troops, 

Tumultuous releasing whoops. 

Pain mixed with pleasure, joy with grief 

Commingled, as departed Chief 

Executive, whose spine 's so stiff 

As lignum-vitae, or dried withe 

—44— 



Of Hick'ry Jackson. O, that spine 
Of every ruler were like thine, 
Immortal William! Virtue, wit 
And wisdom count far less than grit. 

Proud pageant had it lingered, soon 

Had seen on high huge war-balloon 

Conveying troops, supplies and Krags 

To slaughter high-balls, fizzes, jags. 

In basket, steering with wise care 

That precious monster puffed with prayer. 

Toiled Pious John, whose bargain store 

Is lit with light from that bright shore 

Celestial, where Ariel 

And Beecher and some others dwell, 

And nectarous streams invite to swin 

Voluptuous, chaste seraphim. 

Descending slow that sacred ball, 

With John, aerial admiral. 

Profoundly awed. Deep hush held sway; 

And tense, as when they taxes pay, 

Stood gazers there till awful sight 

That whole push petrified with fright. 

There fully up six hundred feet 

Vast warship shattered and with meat, 

Tobacco, oysters, lardoil, jugs, 

Flew Pious John and all the mugs 

In all directions. 

Fatail tear, 
Gas letting out and in cold air. 
Proved later wisdom of this line: 
A stitch in time, son, saveth nine. 
It was discovered that a shift. 
Used as a patch, was tampered with 
By wretch so vile Old Nick, the sire 
Of mortal sin, refused him fire. 
Declaring hotly he'd no place 
To proper punish such hard-case. 
Hell's fittest broiler being crammed 
With double-faced reformers damned, 
Saints opulent who steal all week. 
But Sunday, long-faced, sour, sleek. 
To church repair, but drudging then 

-4S- 



For them perhaps full thousand men, 

As if serfs tollmg, who so slave, 

Had nothing like saints' souls to save. 

It soothes, brings joy, to b'lieve that He 

Such saints shalt damn eternally. 

In church impurity they tear. 

But soon thereafter some repair 

To Paphian chambers. With your paints 

Complete true portraits of such saints. 

Recovering somewhat, long train 

Witb eager woe rushed o'er the plain 

And climbed up trees to fasten on 

The mutilated chunks of John, 

The sacred fragments mourners all 

Preserving sweet in alcohol. 

Or drying, or cremating, so 

Down through all ages they should go 

Authenticated in blest state 

Like snacks of saints long consecrate. 

One Amazon, stout volunteer. 

Wild wailing watered John's right ear 

With such vast floods she made hosts get 

In frantic haste in out the wet. 

Another maid poured saline woes 

Upon John's flattened, faithful nose 

Like mashed tomato. Tufts of hair 

Seen floating in the ambient air 

Were caught in nets: so certain wise 

Bugologists take butterflies. 

Sad Smash'em good, all begged to take 

Rare, very choicest sainted stake. 

Sweet scrap She took, in locket placed, 

E'er after nursed She on Her chaste 

Maternal bosom. 

'Mong refuse. 
Rich recrement, sowed so profuse. 
Rare cameo in gore wast found, 
Carnegie's features on it ground. 
Through woful camp the finder spread 
The news which, like the smallpox dread. 
Brought sore dismay, all being sure 
Good Andrew didst no more endure. 

-46- 



But Mr. Tesla, chancing- by, 

Let, wireless, short message fly 

To Andy. After brief delay 

Came this reply: "Well. Making- hay." 

Then all returned to their last woe, 

Poor, scattered John, who loved them so, 

To honor whom they raised huge pile 

Of drygoods ends in latest style. 

Firm base of shaft, sunk far below 

Cold earth, wast made of calico; 

Above the plinth, made of percale. 

Were satin squares, in which with bale 

His epitaph, in Scotch and Greek, 

Was stitched. Camp stricken full one week 

Consumed to fitting honors pay 

John's remnants, his poor canned-up clay. 

Which through bequest is doomed to stage 

'Long trails of time from age to age. 

This one line of his burial song: 

"His prayers were short, his yards were long-." 

So killed, so wept, so buried, blest. 

So honored, sleeps he, endless rest 

With fame undying coming ^hen 

He reached his zenith bright. 

Two men 
Were seen approaching at fast pace 
Soon after John had quit the place 
And had ascended through deep sighs 
Of faithful friends to Paradise. 
The riders, racing parsons were 
Who'd come with gone John to confer 
About pledged coin without alloy 
To spread "glad tidings of great joy." 
They said, and it was not denied, 
•The coin was his who first didst ride 
Into the camp and John present 
The last-revised New Testament. 
Deep was loud grief of saintly pair: 
They called for victuals, tore their hair: 
And vowed no more beneath pale moon 
Should Pious Johns ride in balloon. 
They sad recalled how Christ rode slow 
Upon an ass near Jericho 

--47~ 



And hinted tearful that through pride 

John— God forgive him!— might have died. 

They close inquired if no will, 

No testament, no codicil, 

Had been discovered. Had none seen 

Gold, checks, or bills, fall on the green? 

They did not think, they said, the Lord 

Could Pious John's death well afford. 

'Twas sad at least that He should call 

And take John to Him then, when all. 

Or almost all— each parson, cure. 

And all His servants — were so poor. 

Some absolutely had no meat. 

They said, for God's sake for to eat; 

Some lacking means had to endure 

Plain duty— couldn't make long tour 

For three or six months every year 

When heat or cold at home's severe. 

Some bishops even had to dine, 

So poor they were, without good wine. 

But riders hung hope on this peg: 

Carnegie lived^they'd pull his leg. 

And so, hope propping up despair, 

One spurred his horse, one lashed his mare, 

As forth they sped. 

Smash, stiffly braced. 
In tough new corsets strongly laced. 
This order issued: "When loud horn 
"Of Hannabras tomorrow morn 
"Hear ye echo clarion, shrill, 
"Awaking valley, hamlet, hill, 
"Arise and pray, cook, eat and arm 
"For war and conquest." 

No alarm. 
But joy Her manifesto wrought. 
So martial camp in deed and thought. 
Ere break of day, when troops all slept 
And sent'nels even, slowly crept 
Across wide plain long train of vans 
With Armour bull-beef in tin cans 
For Camp Reform. That nourishment 
So tender, pure, so succulent, 

-48- 



Was, b'lieve it not or b'lieve it so, 
Provided through Rus Sage's dough. 
And not through purse of Carnegie, 
Whose long suit is church-organ play. 
Or gift of books, or church so fine 
Poor souls stay out that rich may shine 
With never fear they may be met 
Or touched by jeans or taint of sweat. 

Coarse, cursing teamsters, many a scamp 

Full to the guards, when nearing camp 

Awoke Her Smashness, e'er alert 

For dangers ever prone to flirt 

With gods of war. E'en maidens set 

Their hearts on chevron, epaulet. 

Rough-rider hats, gold-braid and stars 

Affected so by sons of Mars. 

Sir Teddy, when afoot or horse, 

Oft nearly wast seduced by force. 

His manly beauty, martial charm, 

The coldest virtue didst disarm. 

So vicious for him women raged. 

At last She had the hero caged 

And hauled about upon a dray 

And ne'er released except when fray 

Fierce ran amiick. 

Strong Smash'em strode 
About instructing how unload 
Kind Russell's ready, rare relief 
Of stocks and bonds as well as beef. 
Rus sat, himself, upon first wain. 
Right hand on brake, the left yanked rein. 
When he saw Her his hat he waved 
And cried, "We've come and all are saved! 
"Put down," he yelled, "the cursed juice 
"That gives men jim-jams and the blues! 
"I've come to join you! Lend what aid 
"I can to this renowned crusade. 
"My wealth is small, but I'll go broke 
"To help you, Smash'em, pelt and choke 
"The Demon Rum!" 

A Bedlam cheer 
Arose and rent the atmosphere 



-49- 



As Carrie fell on Sage's breast 

And swooned for joy. She clutched and pressed 

With g-rip so tight as strangler death, 

Obstructing greatly Russell's breath. 

Sir Hannabras, filled with dismay, 

Rushed in and broke Her from Her prey. 

Rus, grateful for his rescue, gave 

A quarter to his savior brave. 

Who tender stretched Her on the ground, 

Where salts and water brought Her 'round. 

Rus was assigned the left to lead. 
High honor tendered for the feed 
Through perils countless timely brought 
Through hostile canyons. Little thought 
Those bustling legions that ere night 
Disastrous woes wouldst swoop, alight. 
Upon that philanthropic head, 
Him leaving numbered with the dead. 
But mystic fate was even then 
Prepared to crush that prince of men. 
Thus fell damned blow: Rus, careless, sat 
Upon the edge of deep, wide vat, 
Wherein he fell and ne'er arose, 
Nor could be rescued. Such his close; 
So, bravely rushing into strife 
For homes and Him, gave he his life. 

Historic pages teem with praise 
Exalting men of ancient days. 
But in all annals no such page 
As that recording deeds of Sage. 
Sleep, peerless hero! Dead, yet us 
You honor nobly. Rest well, Rus! 

Each act in war so swift succeeds. 
None but most vital, daring deeds 
May chosen be from swirling crowd 
To do this faulty record proud. 
Hence, it may seem to those who scan 
This page, imperfect is our plan; 
Whilst not in us, but in wild flux 
Of fearsome facts, behold lame ducks. 

—50— 



How many volumes strive to hold 

Napoleon's history, half untold? 

How many Grant's? How many Lee's? 

How, then, in God's name, people, please 

In lines four thousand all who yearn 

Each detail of this war to learn? 

We simply mean to give in brief, 

As we have given, actions chief— 

An outline merely, without art, 

Or plot to dovetail part to part. 

Four days and nights they didst consume 

To Russell honor'bly entomb; 

Then, all impatient, Hannabras 

Declared at once the Alps they'd pass; 

So all that mighty host and She 

Pushed off their craft and put to sea. 

On which, as few of them could swim. 

They felt and knew their chances slim. 

But, water smooth and heaven fair. 

All working each nerve to get there. 

They soon arrived. Along the beach. 

So far as telescope could reach. 

They saw armed hosts and down black throats 

Of guns with bores big 'round as shotes. 

The place, called Freetown on the map, 

To capture plainly was no snap. 

It was vile center of all glee 

And games linked with iniquity; 

A hub from which each sinful spoke 

Wide far extended. Pipe-fiend, moke, 

Barflies and touts and every kind 

And sex of vice were there confined. 

The city making cursed spot 

As that abandoned once by Lot, 

And which the saints then hoped to sink. 

In town large force Sir Hinky Dink 

Commanded sole. From early youth 

War was his trade; in very truth 

He was Gus Caesar in disguise. 

His sword, not pull, had pushed his rise 

To that proud height whereon he stood. 

His people called him fond, "The Good." 

-51- 



So France dubbed Louis, who ne'er warred 

With such success as when he whored. 

Sir Dink, in every virtue ripe, 

Was chieftain wise of highest type 

Suggesting Cromwell, or brave foes 

There in vast fleet him to oppose. 

Sir Hinky, though so tried and great. 

Their prowess did not underrate. 

But said: "Boys, this here' bumboat crew, 

"You'll find is no soft snap to do. 

"They may be lobsters, right enough, 

"But they're a proposition tough. 

"But, you'll soon see, confound their souls! 

"I'll make 'em howling hunt their holes!" 

Bums' raucous roar, from thirsty throats 
Bawled out, reached far remotest boats 
Upon wide sea, but didn't jar 
With fear one solitary tar. 

So stood faced forces. Those ashore 
Were full as hot for hideous war 
As those who looked up confident 
To chiefs of that grand armament. 
Night settled down o'er land and sea; 
Fate poised his lance; Hell danced in glee. 



■52- 



SIR HANNABRAS. 



SECTION THREE. 



FIGHTS TO A FINISH. 

Disturbance starts; upon deep main, 

In air, in wood, in vale, on plain, 

Grim-visag-ed war swims, flies and glows 

Bestowing wealth, inflicting woes; 

Appearing in God's dual form, 

War sheds kind sunshine, hurls dread storm. 



THE COLOSSI IN CONFLICT. 

Majestic Sol, apt bathed in gore, 
Arose next morn, rose-tinting shore, 
Sea motionless, mute fleet. Sir Dink 
And sky, late atramentous ink. 
When Pyms decreed false Stuart's head 
Should fall, stern Bradshaw sat in red; 
So son of Coelus that sad morn 
In flaming scarlet didst adorn 
His face, his torso, legs and feet; 
He blazed sky's cardinal complete. 

Soon, from fleet silent, shot toward shore 

Shell slender sweeping graceful o'er 

Lake roseate. In scallop sat. 

Defiant plumes fierce in Her hat. 

Hot Semiramis of Mark's fleet; 

In steel attired to Her feet 

Smooth liquid , way She shark-like ploughed, 

Her head erect. Her bearing proud. 

Near shore She stopped, sniffed, blew Her nose; 

Then through gold trumpet blew: "My Foes, 

-S3- 



"Or Friends: In this hand hold I Peace; 

"From this I may Red War release. 

"This dove I offer." Typic bird 

Let loose flew straight for Hinky's herd 

Of shaggy cattle, when baseball 

From Hinky's gun pierced Peace. Then all 

His varlet minions danced and howled. 

Stern Semiramis darkly scowled 

And hot defiance through Her teeth 

Threw thus upon that dastard chief: 

"Spawn base of hell! You two-spot! Deuce! 

"You big stiff, soon I'll cook your goose!" 

His gang yelled "Rats!" His sole reply: 
Turned to his pals and winked left eye. 

Resuming, She: "I did expect 

"To shell and see your Stenchtown wrecked; 

"But mercy once more stays my hand; 

"I'd spare the weak ones in your band — 

"All women, children, helpless, old; 

"I cannot kill such in blood cold. 

"Hence, make this proposition fair: 

"I'll fight you, monster, on great Square 

"In your vile town! And if I win, 

"Then, citizens, won't you shun sin?" 

Sir Dink accepting. She shot back 

To full prepare him to attack, 

She stipulating, pactum said, 

One who first fell should lose a head. 

In vain Her council pleaded, prayed, 

Her from rash action to dissuade. 

Her word was pledged and She would scrap; 

And, so, that was the end of that. 

With Teddy, Hannabras and more 

Than six ship-loads She went ashore, 

Parkhurst along to comfort give 

Her dying, should She cease to live. 

Sir Dink and She marched brave abreast 

To Stenchtown's Square. Behind thick pressed 

Tried troops, tars, rabble, painted punk, 

-54- 



Sir Hinky's legions largely drunk 
And banners bearing saying She 
No better was than ought to be. 

At Square arriving, there mixed stood 
Massed all around dense multitude 
Expectant, clamorous, profane- 
Mob howling, shouting, half-insane — 
Far greater part first-pick and pink 
Of dregs enlisted under Dink, 
Who, being challenged, might have had 
The choice of arms, but was too glad 
He frank averred to gallant waive 
His right in favor of Her brave. 
She favor vowed right knightly act 
Displaying chivalry and tact. 
And offered him Her cheek to kiss; 
He said, "Not now; excuse me, miss," 
Refusal costing dreadful dear. 
With care selected She long spear. 
A varlet handed Dink his tool; 
A herald read each stringent rule; 
A squad of cops wheeled in the Square; 
A crowd of dips worked everywhere. 
A roped enclosure kept rough rout 
And all but needed helpers out. 
At last, arrangements being made. 
Each warrior fearless, undismayed, 
Sought sedulous to sock sharp spear 
In eye, or mouth, or paunch, or ear. 
Or any place to stab slight hole 
To let in death, let out brave soul. 

Sir Dink's fine form, in tights dyed cream, 
Was what in Freetown's called a dream. 
He poked composed, or quite so tame 
As one may prod at such hot game. 
Dink's shoes were gums. His noble head 
Was graced with turban green and red. 
She wore Her week-day scrapping gear. 
Full bloomer costume one could hear 
At least a block. Behind and fore 
She showed more bulk— a great deal more- 

-55— 



Than Hinky Dink, who, though so slim, 

Had speed and vinegar and vim. 

But though She thrust with action slow, 

She warded well, true landed blow; 

In fact, before five minutes passed 

'Twas plain Sir Hinky was outclassed. 

But he stood game; he never flinched, 

Not even when She had him cinched; 

But waded in, and many a. punch 

Gave Carrie near Her place for lunch. 

At last She slew him with swift stroke; 

"I will!" last words he faintly spoke. 

She head removing, his base scum 

Their vow forgot. Tout, punk and bum 

Rushed in the ring, whence Hannabras 

And Teddy in his socks of brass. 

With Park., reformer grand and good. 

Successful all attacks withstood. 

She superhuman aiding. Grape 

And bloody murder, rage and rape 

Swept low doomed town. Left were no souls 

To pensions draw to make deep holes 

In treasury, that fat retreat 

For pension sharks. Thfence, all complete 

Their noble work, the troopers proud, 

Long, pious hymns acclaiming loud, 

Embarked. They left nor branch nor bud 

Of Freetown, whose name now is mud, . 

An outcast men in holy horror 

Revile like Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Much loot was saved, and some saints brought 

Off female natives they had caught 

And saved from ravage to be tamed 

And for their goodness to be famed. 

Young, handsome ones alone were saved: 

Saints slew the rest. Plain drabs depraved 

Fare ever hard when Mars, with sons, 

Lands, towns and cities overruns. 

Fair captives Carrie to baptize 

Caged dow^n below, so carnal eyes 

Should from temptation be kept quite 

So clean as rose or lily white— 

So pure as parson whom desire 



Ne'er even thaws, and could not fire; 
Chaste cloth with beauty's safer far 
Than in seraglios eunuchs are. 

With captives, loot and coin galore. 
With joy drew navy from raped shore. 
North steaming fast away they went, 
For rank Hell's Haven sanguine bent, 
Sir Hannabras in full control. 
The Lord neglecting to unroll 
His will to Her, who never fought 
Unless to Her His plans He brought. 
It seemed, so Hannabras mature. 
In every enterprise dead-sure. 
Declared to them in his ship's poop. 
Best thing to do was land brave troop 
At Hell's headquarters. There one blow 
Well landed would destroy damned foe, 
Full monster jug kept by a clam 
Long in crime's business — Uncle Sarti. 
''Break monster jug," said Hannabras, 
"And we've done much to bring to pass 
"Millennium, for which we all 
"Inflict this war and on Him call. 
"Jug shatter first; then, troops, from me 
"Secure you each large subsidy; 
"And lastly, with Sir Teddy here 
"Peace crown on each wide hemisphere; 
"And then forever shalt endure 
"On earth bright heaven joyous, pure! 
"First, break fell jug; next, all enrich; 
"Then, final, Mars to Tophet pitch. 
"Such I, commanding, stern decree! 
"I, Lord of Senates, Land and Sea!" 

Scarce had he finished, when with awe 
Monster marine, sea serp., they saw 
Approaching fleet. His scaly crest 
In bloody-red and green was dressed. 
He undulated many a mile; 
He roared horrific all the while 
Swift coming on, his tail erec' 
And in dim distance but dark spec. 



-57 



His jaws distended wide displayed 

Fangs that long ton each must have weighed. 

When all, but one, w^th fear then white 

And chattering jaws, loud counseled flight, 

Sir Teddy rose. He said, "Watch me!" 

Then fearless leaped on serp a-sea! 

The Smash'em praying: "Lord, come down! 

"Don't let fond hope of nations drown! 

"O help us, Lord! Do, for my sake! 

"But if You can't, don't help the snake! 

"Who is, I'm sure — in fact, I'll swear — 

"None other than Chicago's mayor!" 

The simple fact, up later dug, 
Proved monster owner of fell jug. 

Full many fights on earth's been seen, 

In air, on land, on sea pea-green; 

But ne'er, since England was mere pup, 

"Was seen such naval rip-all-up. 

Sometimes brave knight would prod atop 

Vast scaly dragon; then fierce flop 

AVould yank Ted under. Oft the two 

Would gouging sink down deep from view. 

Arising as one piece they'd lash— 

The foaming sea terrific thrash. 

And oftentimes cried Teddy tough, 

"Ding dang your hide! Lay on, McDuff!" 

The monster then, hot in the press, 

"Would say— he talked—: "Well, I guess yes!" 

On savage serp sat Ted astride 

As firm as if glued on his hide, 

Through which he drilled an orifice 

Preceding awful sacrifice. 

In hole so made Ted tamp'd huge charge 

Of dynamite. To cartridge large 

He wire fixed and threw it fast 

Up to the top of mizzen-mast 

Of flag-ship proved. Then nimble leap 

Brought him to ship proud on the deep. 

Awhile the monster as if tied 

Nosed 'round to see what ailed his side, 

Time opportune the threatened fleet 

-58- 



Employed to skin out with both feet. 
When twelve or fifteen miles away, 
They touched 'er off. The monster? Say! 
They blew him up so high, like rain 
In fragments fell he— fouled the main. 
From which in boats the tars took in 
Vast quantities to can in tin 
To feed the fleet, whose toughest swore 
They'd had no such canned beef before. 
Deep they regretted Teddy, chief, 
Could eat none through his lack of teeth. 
He fared far better not on food, 
But on high honors, gratitude. 
On which they stuffed him many a night 
And gorged his modest appetite. 
Which, never strong, is now so weak 
He fare of fame refuses meek. 
However, doctors may restore 
His appetite in four years more. 
When some opine his tank may bear 
Light bits of presidential fare. 

Pell monster's doom, deserved-well fate. 
Felicitous worked for the state. 
Which from that moment ceased to be 
Sin's partner in Rum's infamy. 
So Carrie's part, her sacred trust, 
Was all but done. Remained but lust, 
Mere minor issue, for attack. 
Annihilation, sword and sack 
Accomplished swift, for they made law 
To hang in chains, to quarter, draw. 
Each male from time grand act was dated 
Who was not well emasculated. 
"That," so She said, and She said true, 
" 'I'll put the blocks to much undue 
"Familiar sin that now so vexes 
"Vigorous saints of both warm sexes." 

So lust and liquor at one dash 
They sent to all eternal smash. 
Two chief plagues rooting from the soil 
With few prayers, but heroic toil, 

-S9- 



Way paving- for Sir Hannabras 
To cinch his subsidies and mass 
Abstainers with grand gelded horde 
Deprived of parts to wound the Lord. 
But ere he started in to work, 
Parkhurst, profound as any Turk, 
At leap-frog for a time below 
TV^ith Freetown maids gave sacred show, 
Lithe ladies dancing in the nude. 
Or altogether, for him good. 
He taking part, a-leaping o'er 
As in New York he'd flew bef ore- 
He or his agents consecrate- 
Sweet sisters frail to elevate. 
It holy was there snug aship 
To see him sacerdotal skip. 
He, with his congregation there 
Like Eve and Adam, almost bare, 
L^ndraped and free, excepting clout 
That he had wound his loins about. 
Parkhurst is old and he is thin. 
But nimble when leap-frogging sin 
To grace put deeply in soft hearts 
Of females erring. Some upstarts 
And calloused rogues dared criticise 
Because he'd so evangelize. 
Yet he cared not, but, chanting deep 
Some sacred song, again he'd leap. 

So he aship, sweat on his face, 
AVith zeal girls bringing close to grace. 
Grave skipped and vaulted, when disaster 
Played havoc with that punk and pastor. 

One fairy caged up in the hold 
Escaped and mingled brazen, bold, 
Amongst the sailors, whom she sought 
To bring to evil. Parkhurst caught 
Quick onto her, so keen his scent 
For live things frail and feculent. 
Her he rebuked. With righteous force 
He cautioned her, condemned her course, 
She flippantly replying. Then, 

-60— 



For often wrath deranges men, 
He seized her— shoved her down the hatch- 
way to rejohi the female batch, 
Who, seeing him so rude her use. 
And fearing he meant to seduce 
Her then and there, flew like gaunt pack 
Upon his front and on his back. 
Him crushing like weak reed tramp'd down 
Where hippopotami are 'roun'. 
Then on him vixens turned the hose; 
Whilst water flowed their mirth arose. 
Attracting Hannabras, who flew 
With troops to quell that hellish crew. 
But they were bloods; fought tooth and nail 
Against that aggregated male 
Force massed in squadron, wedge and square 
To them subdue. Yells filled the air; 
Female apparel ripped and tore 
Was scattered blood-stained on the floor; 
The Amazonian mob a-shout, 
Terrifical great oaths screamed out; 
They bit and scratched, and kicked and bawled 
And with hot water sought to scald 
Sir Hannabras, so bravely aided 
By Teddyvelt, also near faded. 
Ten soldiers killed and lots all maimed 
Fierce valor of the cats proclaimed. 
Who would have conquered, sure as fate, 
Had Carrie not abandoned bait 
And rushed cyclonic to the aid 
Of Hannabras and brave brigade. 
Whom She in nick of time didst save 
From cruel death and watery grave. 
Subdued, the leaders of revolt 
Were ironed safe and fed on salt. 
Stale water and hard, mouldy bread, 
The cold, wet boards their only bed. 
Such may seem stern, but we know well, 
As Sherman said, that "War is hell!" 
So ended mutiny. But, O! 
We can't report so ended woe. 
The usage Parkhurst underwent 
Well nigh destroyed his fundament, 

6i- 



Which, till late day, it was declared, 
Skill had but partially repaired. 
He later preached to lambs and sheep 
But ne'er but once more didst so leap. 

With almost everything serene, 
The fleet, led by wise Water Queen, 
So named because it Carrie bore. 
Moved swiftly on to carry war 
Against great dragons, who of gold 
Had piles and piles— their wealth untold. 
These monsters with their glittering hoard 
Sir Knight prepared to lure aboard. 
He holding combine wealth to be 
Foul, damnedest fruit of upas tree. 
Which, he avowed, he'd cut and burn; 
Or into useful touch-wood turn. 
Sir Hannabras, who'd paid a pair 
Of soldiers true to prove how rare 
And brave he was to shrink from war. 
Gold dragons sure would crush, he swore. 
He'd show skunk monsters how^ to soil 
The land w^th combines, Standard Oil, 
And other scurvy schemes and stuff! 
He'd take the monsters by the ruff 
Of scaly necks and choke e'm blue! 
In brief, whole dragon push he'd do. 

He kept his word. No scoundrel he 

To break faith with impunity; 

Nor did he e'er, like certain curs, 

To whom God's Good Book well refers, 

In bank or mart rob shrewd all week. 

Then Sunday sniv'ling pray. No sneak 

Was he two-faced. He ne'er inclined 

To poke his nose in dirt's behind 

And then run 'round and pious yell, 

"Good God! How rank men's morals smell!' 

No dastard he to old men smite 

Down to the earth, then cry that fight 

In ringed arena is low crime. 

He w^as no scum of that sm^ooth slime 

That clothes its black, malignant heart 

—62— 



With hypocritic, canting art 

From general view, but can't escape, 

Thank God, himself, his scoundrel shape. 

'Tis joy to know some curs must dwell 

For life within their own hearts' hell, 

Their own guts gnawing. It is joy 

To see disaster such destroy; 

And it is joy to know that God 

For them in pickle hath His rod. 

For He detests smooth, two-faced skunk 

More deeply far than painted punk. 

Sir Hannabras resolved to bone 

Chief monster single-hand, alone 

In golden den where monster dwelt 

With schemes the souls of toil to smelt. 

Except on Sunday. Then he'd dress, 

Appear in saintly chrysalis, 

So meek, devout, you'd think least sin 

Wouldst crack his ice-cold heart within. 

He bow-legged, then appeared so pure. 

His mutton-chops gray so demure. 

Some wondered how it happened he 

Could carnal e'er get progeny. 

It seemed impossible such saint 

With such frail things were e'er acquaint. 

Sir Hannabras steered fleet so true 
Chief dragon came full into view 
In nick of time, as had been planned. 
He left a-ship his faithful band 
And went, as Carrie had before. 
Defiant in canoe ashore. 
This challenge hurling: 

"Miscreant! 
"Filth execrate! Beast feculent! 
"I come and beard thee in thy den! 
"Here challenge thee, in this, thy fen, 
"To fight, you hell-hound, anywhere! 
"On land, on sea, in hell, in air! 
"Come on, louse-colored lobster! Come! 
"You'll get what Paddy gave the drum!" 



-6.V- 



Thus crafty monster: "You, dear sir, 

"Have evident been duped to err. 

"I love all men. I have no use 

"For weak men's froth— absurd abuse. 

"Words are but vapor — less than air 

"Unless backed up by deeds, which are 

"Both soul and body, flesh and blood. 

"It pained me, sir, to hear vain flood — 

"Your mouth deluge— o'erflo wing- Nile. 

"Invective rant makes wisdom smile; 

"Or, sorrowing", drop pitying tear. 

"Unmoved, decorum wounds cold sneer. 

"Diplomacy, that royal art 

"That, warm embracing, stabs your heart, 

"Ne'er condescends to wag loose tongue 

"In candor or in caustic hung. 

"Conservative, as most wealth is, 

"I must not flght. Then, rheumatiz 

"Clings, cruciate curse. Besides, damned gout 

"Permits me scarce to go about. 

"But, if you please, let's compromise; 

"Wealth cannot safe antagonize 

"Itself, fair knight. Far better cheat 

"Blockhead consumers than compete; 

"For competition's death, not life; 

"Combine or crush to dust. In strife 

"But fools indulge. The wealthy wise, 

"Though frequent frauds, should fraternize. 

"So bankers do; and, hence, with ease 

"The lemon yellow constant squeeze. 

"Knight, let's be friends. Come in my house! 

"Come in and sup some. Try my grouse, 

"And let me, sir, present to you 

"My daughters. I am blest with two." 

The knight beguiled was lured to set 

His feet secure in dragon's net, 

Wherein he'd perished hadn't She 

Keen, e'er alert for perfidy. 

Like other hero smelt a rat. 

She always knew where She was at. 

Arriving timely, breaking in, 

She saved the knight just by the skin 

-64- 



Of his ten teeth; for he to sup 

His thirst to slake had raised gold cup 

Of poisoned wine up to his lips, 

Beside him sitting charming slips 

Of dragon sirens, who, in truth, 

'Twixt maiden bloom and budding youth. 

Were fair enough to rouse within 

Cold souls of saints warm mortal sin. 

Rare goblet, gem of gold and pearl, 

Colossal Carrie, good old girl. 

With hatched smashed. She much surprised 

That dragon push, and hypnotized 

All on the island but Sir Knight. 

Her magic art turned maidens bright 

To hell-hags dread; but such Her charm 

The hideous monsters could none harm. 

They helpless, Hannabras and She 

Foul dragon host yanked in salt sea. 

The swag secured, full many a boat 

Required was to safely tOte 

Prized stuff to fleet, where Carrie see 'em, 

In joy for vict'ry, sing Te Deum. 

And so through art, not agony, 
Nor blood, nor awful mas-sa-cree, 
Camp Croesus, festering with frauds, 
Prime Pandars and commercial bawds. 
Like Sodom legioned so with lust, 
Wast taken, sacked and razed to dust. 

Slight retrospective glance may tie 

Loose ends of hist'ry gone awry. 

Mere minor details, careless set 

Here in some parts, one may forget 

With slight privation— none at all; 

But one may properly recall 

The matter's meat; this Iliad cram 

In two short lines half epigram; 

Or, one an epigram may take 

And, fanciful, an Iliad make. 

So far this much accomplished: Rum, 

Lust and gold dragon done up plumb; 

More far, in fact, than chiefs didst deign 

-65- 



To hazard in their first campaign, 
This hist'ry merest snack, or bit, 
Of what we should in truth transmit 
Of what they did. 

The gold they got— 
All in the world — within huge pot 
With silver and all precious ore 
They liquified and then didst pour 
Profusely over every land; 
Such wast the Hannabras command. 
Felicitous immediate change 
Bloomed everywhere abundant, strange. 
It was as if Utopia 
Had come her shop to ope for aye. 
All equal, rich, and all things free, 
Conditions wrought through knight's decree 
Succeeding conquest, gold was spurned: 
At last gold's true worth men had learned. 
Gold was so common and so cheap, 
Some plugged up holes with it to keep 
North winds outside in winter time; 
Some plasterers, in lieu of lime. 
Mixed gold with mortar. Gold knocked out, 
The g. o. p. went up the spout; 
Boy Bryan, with no silver theme, 
Disposed of his new type-machine 
And other stuff used to alarm, 
And made quick hotfoot to his farm. 
All being good, at least all free 
From every lust iniquity, 
All churches closed; the preaching horde 
In truth went working for the Lord, 
Not sweaty toiling, for hard work 
Was done without a hitch or jerk 
By great machines that Edison 
Turned out for nothing for each one. 
There was no want, nor thirst, nor jag, 
Since followed Hannabras the flag 
Along with Smash' em. But still war 
In Africa and elsewhere tore 
Ted's tender heart; when bullets sped 
That organ, rent wide open, bled. 

-66- 



And so, commanding fleet, he laid 
Large, valiant hand on trenchant blade, 
And swore he'd never eat a bite 
Till he had fought earth's final fight. 
It was no lie, no bluff jocose, 
For he made Mars turn up his toes, 
King Edward, William, Smash' em, czar 
And Uncle Sam, and others far 
Away, convening. Close they clung 
Embracing; then away they flung 
All diplomats and such mean things 
Oft bringing lords and lands and kings 
Close by their ears together. Ted 
For hating war they gave gold med., 
And crowned him Peace God of the world; 
In honor of him each unfurled 
Flag special made of regal silk 
So white as snow or lobby's ilk. 

But war still pestered. Peaceful news 

At some points people did refuse 

To credence give; and some, perverse, 

Fought after confab even worse 

Than ere that meeting. Hence, anew 

Went Ted and tars good to subdue 

Recalcitrants, of whom the worst. 

Atrocious, cannibal, accurst. 

The Philippines kept in turmoil, 

And soaked with blood their tropic soil, 

For liberty, which, wise men saith, 

Is e'er inferior far to faith. 

So sailed the fleet, it running east 

To do up Aggy, amber beast, 

Gibraltar passing on long way 

Beguiled at night and joyed by day 

By many a sweet, Parkhurstic song 

And leap religious high and long. 

One day loved pastor, leaping high— 

With zeal evangelistic spry — 

Full cleared the ship and with wild wail 

Fell screaming hearlong down great whale. 

All in the fleet were in amaze; 

Suggestions came for many days 

-67- 



How him to rescue, they all sure 

Like Jonah he would well endure 

New habitat. None dared to shoot 

The mammoth keeping- in pursuit 

For fear the balls might pierce tough hide 

Of whale and land in Park's inside. 

For three weeks so that fish kept guest 

Hospitable locked in his breast, 

But threw him one morn out at last; 

Then, turning tail, whale flew aghast, 

As if he feared Parkhurst might light 

Inside again. Whale's appetite 

For excellence was noted long, 

But pill like Parkhurst was too strong. 

The whale 'u'd sooner puked up Park 

If he'd agreed. But no; though dark 

At night especial in the fish. 

The pastor said he hugged fond wish 

To there remain and some explore 

For souls who dropped in there before ~ 

As like as not. At any rate. 

He vowed he'd full investigate. 

Poor fish through poisoned blood soon died, 

But still infects vast ocean's tide. 



WICKEDNESS IS WATERLOOED. 

Though Hannabras proved he could be 

With cash that wasn't his'n free. 

In Holy War, now nearing close, 

He joyed his friends and jarred his foes. 

Especially when he with Ted 

"W^ent o'er to put on Ag a head. 

En route— (we Frenchmen flouting so. 

We Yankees still our French proud show, 

As if it were far better tongue 

Than any other said or sung)— 

En route, then, know how it fell out 

Fell Smash'em in. It was about. 

Say twelve at night, the witching time, 

AVhen She essayed main-mast to climb. 

Why? No one ever knew. Howe'er, 

—68— 



She up tall timber high in air 

Like wing-ed thing, though She obese, 

Especially all 'bove Her knees, 

Almost as Lambert, Britain's son 

A-weighing just about full ton. 

When She had reached the topmost sail 

A sight She saw that turned Her pale, 

For there fat tar She'd trusted in 

Sat from a flagon swilling gin. 

Old Tom the kind the beast poured down 

His manhood, soul and sense to drown. 

Sight awful sent cold shivers through 

Her frame a dozen times or two, 

Until She fell upon the deck 

Almost a total, battered wreck. 

Sir Hannabras was then asnore, 

But racket, and the sea aroar, 

Him brought to Her, he night garb in; 

And Teddyvelt, roused by mad din, 

All dressed for slaughter quick appeared. 

His cannon charged, his decks all cleared, 

For havoc sore. A bulletin 

Said Smash'em's slats were all caved in, 

And that Her bones, each broke, no doubt, 

To save Her life must all come out. 

Then surgeon and ship's carpenter 

Sailed in to work and harp on Her; 

And soon with augers, saws and bits 

And other tools and with their wits 

They from Her took the nau-se-ous 

And broken fragments osseous. 

Sir Hannabras prized fragments pressed 

And locked within stout wooden chest, 

The sacred relics in gold chalice 

To grace the Queen's Cold-Water palace 

Built in Topeka. Magic'ly 

She came around quite rapidly. 

But walked no more. Henceforth She rolled 

But swung Her hatchet as of old 

When in Manila with the troops 

She got to smashing things in hoops. 

In glass and wicker, or in jug, 

In goblet, still-house, or in mug, 

-69- 



Some heli-brew there remaining still 
E'en though Rum monster they didst kill 
With dynamite, when they tore down 
Some time before Dink's cursed town. 

When She rolled 'long Manila's streets, 

And natives saw with thin-swathed seats, 

And some, to tell the naked fact, 

In their bare pelts — e'en fig-leaves lacked — 

Through pious rage She, in a fit. 

Large chunks out of Her hatchet bit. 

The metal chewing. She scored loud 

A half-clad, drunk-on-vino crowd 

And asked them if they didn't know 

That then castration was the go. 

They did not, so they said, and if 

They did it would have made no dif. 

That answer roiled Her so She rolled 

O'er some of them and crushed them cold. 

The rest She had the knife assail; 

With proper rites cut every male 

Until he said he ever should 

Refrain from evil, cling to good. 

Some seven millions of them there. 

With Teddy's aid, She made so fare 

Beneath Her banner. Aggy, too. 

Was fixed for keeps, or so he'd do 

To be at large without fear later 

Wee, chestnut lads might call him pater. 

But in Manila and around 

For Ted a heap of game was found 

Despite the fact that Aggy came 

Right in when hearing Teddy's name 

Was registered at Inn Bamboo 

And that he rode fierce cariboo. 

In paddys, rice fields, stream and vale 

Ted hippogriffs found to prevail; 

The witch, the warlock and banshee 

Roamed wild in herds. The land to free 

From brood unholy taxed Ted's strength. 

But task effected he at length 

With Parkhurst's aid. Park, sick a spell 

Through usage in that whale hotel, 

—70- 



But then recovered, with no gun, 

But with long-, fervid orison, 

Enabled Teddy easily 

To win his last great victory, 

His hardest struggle being stiff 

Scrap hot with main guy hippogriff 

Up in high mountain, where huge brute 

Retreated with his sweet, or suit. 

Use which you wish. What's in a name? 

Called ros.e, or lily, skunk's the same. 

Sir Ted, not fearing brush, nor bout, 

Howe'er decided to starve out 

The griff and his unholy clan. 

It was antique, good tactic plan 

In war approved. No troop can spill 

Blood properly without its swill. 

An army full of nutriment, 

And going hell-election-bent, 

Is probably as live a thing 

As e'er afoot went or awing. 

Or hossback charged. 

Ted waited eight 
Long weeks to see capitulate, 
Or sally forth from wild stronghold. 
The foe, winged monster keen and bold. 
Slow interim beguiling now 
And then with mimic battle row, 
Or song, or story, or some verse 
He or his comrades wouldst rehearse. 
Some of the latter in this wise 
Sir Teddy once didst improvise: 

"Mrs. Smash'em, holy terror, 

"Someone get a halo for 'er! 

"Boys, when from debt you would be free 

"Just plunge right into bankruptcy. 

"All do your best, boys, hard to hit 

"The dead-beat and damned hypocrite. 

"Say, Ned, or Mr. Albert Wettin, 

"How now is your crown a-settin'? 

"Would you earn fame? Then, boys, you storm 

"WiJ.h ax or hatchet for reform. 

"Old Split Hoof 'phones with frightful fear: 

-71— 



" 'Don't! Don't let Carrie come down here!' 

"A grizzly meeting me once cried: 

*' 'Don't shoot!' Then fell dead, petrified. 

"Lord bless you, soul, where'er you are, 

"Who first rolled up fat, prime cigar! 

"The English king does Russian speak. 

"But, boys, alas, he can't tongue Greek! 

"So long as nature's charms endure, 

"Rich nature's lover can't be poor. 

"Depew's so rich and high, his wit 

"As sure as shooting makes a hit. 

"Here is a problem: Why in thunder 

"Refuse some papers to go under? 

"The Dutchman Boer, he seems to be 

"Related to the Irish flea. 

"Rex Rockefeller, boys, some day 

"Just like the tramp' 11 turn to clay. 

"With Ned ward on his throne now, will be 

"Long for the lovely Jersey Lily? 

"Boys, learn to dance and you may turn 

"Fair head of belle with cash to burn. 

"Ye heathen gods and little fishes, 

"If one could have all things he wishes! 

"Husband, hurt not wifey's feeling 

"By spitting on the v*^hitewashed ceiling. 

"The finest Injun is the squaw: 

"She chews the weed and holds her jaw. 

"So wise as Solomon won't do. 

"It must be: Keen as Peach Depew. 

"Death's noyal chess is such strange thing: 

"He took a queen and gave a king. 

"Upon some shafts the epitaph 

"Brings tears, so hard the readers laugh. 

"When writing, boys, use balm or gall; 

"Don't mix the two. Be Saul, or Paul. 

"The smile of some men whom you know 

"Is like chill sunshine on crisp snow. 

"Would Croker, think you, boys, refuse 

"To wear a pair of Congress shoes? 

"Ah, boys, it is a noble thing 

"To welt Pegasus! Dulcet sing! 

"Come, all ye bards, who measures make, 

"And join us in a muse milk-shake. 



-72- 



"In Kansas, when they fuel lack, 

"They catch and burn a man who's black. 

"Trust not to luck, for it may foil. 

"Get in with John and Standard Oil. 

"Wife, when poor John is feeling sad, 

"A little spiced rum isn't bad. 

"What joy to watch bald lobsters stare 

"When Tottie kicks holes in the air! 

"Some day some budding- Croesus bright 

" '111 Tophet tap for heat and light. 

"This is a fact, boys, bet your boots: 

"Frost never kills forbidden fruits. 

"If Brother Mark should pass away, 

"Grod and myself, boys, still would stay. 

"Oh, springtime, haste, so we with bait 

"May swig and fish and ruminate! 

"I can't lilt song? I'll bet a dollar 

"I could make old Homer holler! 

"With negro-burning and with Carrie, 

"Kansas laughing keeps Old Harry. 

"The trusted employe 's the one 

"Who frequent flies off with the mon. 

"In two short lines a man may cuff 

"A fool or rascal quite enough. 

"If Foraker should die, what price 

"Next summer, boys, we'd pay for ice! 

"Say, Mr. Riley, how's this lyre? 

"What's eatin' this Promethean fire? 

"Boys, harken, listen and be wise: 

"Great danger lurks in goo-goo eyes. 

"Why purchase chestnuts when a glass 

"Costs just as much as Pabst, or Bass? 

"Boy Bryan Blue persists in crime: 

"His Commoner 's each week on time. 

"When Carnegie goes broke and poor, 

"Turn not the good man from your door. 

"The heathen gods were fond of sports 

"And set the pace for modern courts. 

"Oh soulful bards, how sad if bliss 

"In English did not rhyme with kiss! 

"When Shakespeare's writing day was done 

"He'd toss off sonnets just for fun. 

"I^ord Byron was a trifle fast, 

-73- 



"But wrote some stanzas unsurpassed. 

"This is a fact men oft regret: 

"The old acquaintance won't forget." 

So oft for hours Teddy races 
T^^ould run a-riding nag Pegasus, 
As dogged a brute as ever rolled 
Upon poor bard, or poet foaled. 
But Teddy, with his Cuban vim, 
Took lots of didoes out of him. 

Ted with his tars shot off at last 

Beneath griff's mountain fearful blast, 

The air for miles with monsters filling; 

That was his last and grandest killing. 

But did not end, by any means. 

His work, nor that of Mark's marines, 

T\^ho found through word from various courts 

That Creelmans oft spread false reports. 

Hence, e'en this hist'ry writ each day. 

It being sort of diary, 

May err somewhat. Reporters, dom 'em! 

Prove that to err is mighty common. 

From China and from Bombibaby, 
The latter L.ost Atlantis may be, 
Came oft report, true cable bruit, 
How men of God ran after loot. 
Sir Hannabras, She. Frye and others — 
With She left out. all noble brothers- 
Pooh-poohed reports. It could not be! 
Loot lure men of divinity? 
No! Never! Never! 'Twas foul lie 
Of deepest and most damnedest dye! 
However, Parkhurst and marines. 
Familiar with behind-the-scenes. 
Some doubts let fall. In consequence 
They sailed for Pekin, China, whence 
We have Ting Fang, whom now some state 
Fair maid didst slyly osculate 
In Washington. There is no stink 
Too foul for taste of pen and ink. 



-74- 



In Pekin every slanderous word 
About the missionaries heard, 
Wast branded false and proved untrue. 
The clerics swore it and they knew. 
Some poor at home, there rich supplied, 
Were fat through Him. God didst provide 
For His true children ample store; 
Praise Him, poor sinners, evermore! 

Of course, the natives, heathen beasts 

With shark-fin orgies, opium feasts, 

And carnal sins too dark to name, 

Accused the clerics and cried, ''Shame!" 

But who could b'lieve them, with no Cross 

Nor holy wars, before their joss? 

Tell how on earth His truth may fall 

On land devoid of pastoral call 

Upon the wife when hub's away 

In trade, or something, making hay? 

'Tis odd how many sisters need 

On saving grace to frequent feed 

From hand of pastor in the house. 

But it's all right, so law allows; 

Yet some opine good sisters might 

In church appease blest appetite. 

At all events, degenerate 

Upon this theme let none 'dilate. 

And no one, good or bad, let dare 

It touch till after fervent prayer. 

It shameful is to ever doubt 

A preacher running loose about; 

Should wife accuse the clerical, 

'Tis plain she's daft— hysterical. 

But if it's true? Well, never cheep; 

The Bible says all flesh is weak; 

And it is base, and dastard crime. 

Church shame to spread at any time. 

Do what ye may, ye folks so sinnin', 

But air no preacher's dirty linen. 

In Pekin Ted, assured that all, 

Inhabiting once sinful ball, 

Were, through his own and others' quest 

— 7S- 



And toil and prayer, full saved and blest. 
Proposed and carried out grand tour, 
Fleet touching many a seaport pure 
And inland town. Before they went 
Away some cablegrams were sent 
To almost every perfect place, 
McKinley and the Throne of Grace. 




-76 



SIR HANNABRAS. 



SECTION FOURTIL 



BEATITUDES IN FULL BLAST. 

Their labors o'er, millennium come, 
Troops and their captains, sounding drum 
And singing- grateful, sail away— 
To most all countries visits pay; 
And final find for Mark gold crown 
From God, Himself, for him sent down. 



THE COLOSSI IN CCELUM. 

When sure, despite keen, closest seekin'. 
No sin remained in or 'round Pekin, 
Fine fleet, with many missionaries, 
Some looted puppies and canaries, 
Raised anchor, boomed a due salute. 
And eastwardly began to shoot 
Through "ocean stream." Some— all had wings- 
Arose in air on patent things 
Art had provided. Edison, 
Full length inventive having run. 
Had for mechanics done what Mark 
For morals did. Up from each ark, 
Or modern ship, the saintly flew 
And circled in the ambient blue. 
So Carrie e'en, though lacking bone, 
Arose awing in every zone 
Through which they sped. She in the air 
Induced some baldheads long to stare, 
But not with wicked thoughts intent, 
For sin, the devil's increment. 
No longer was — one reason why 
'Twas then so easy for to fly. 

-17- 



But Lucifer from heaven fell; 

Some ang-els with him did rebel; 

In Eden fair, the snake behold 

With tail 'round apple-tree enrolled. 

So, in Mark's Eden of the world 

Hug-e hissing- serpent deadly curled. 

How it escaped, no sailor knew; 

Its blood though cold was very blue; 

That serpent's race when in the bud 

Reached far beyond the Noah flood. 

Ah, it is noble, men, to be 

A limb of ancient social tree! 

Though Vanderbilt the old sold gin 

Across rude counter of his inn 

To drunken sailors, drabs and tars, 

His sons and daughters now are stars 

Of first and wondrous magnitude 

And first-prize-taking pulchritude. 

Blood surely tells. In Castellane 

It proves that proposition plain; 

And during- g-rotesque Cuban war 

Sons of their fathers drew far more 

Fat prizes than old men with merit; 

Blue blood's fine feature to inherit. 

Fair bastard regal of a king 

E'en popes allow 's a pretty thing. 

And king-? He's Guinea-golden goose 

Few maids or matrons would refuse. 

That is, before that glorious day 

When all earth's sins were washed away— 

When Hannabras, before all eyes, 

This infant world didst plunge, baptize, 

In Smash'em's Jordan, stream so clear 

As crystal soul of pulpiteer. 

On land, in air, in sea. in lake. 

Wast naug-ht to mar then but that snake. 

It to remove, best plan they sought; 

The task to Smash' em fell by lot. 

She full of joy to get last chance 

Upon some villain for tO' dance. 

Prayed to the Lord, one night alone, 

To put in Her Her former bone. 

-78- 



The Lord so did, and Carrie flew 
To social serpent's rende(s)vou(s). 
With hatchet big, Topeka trusty, 
She forth the snake to quickly bust. He, 
Erstwhile so brave, now sought to sneak, 
But She fell on him with a shriek, 
And hacked him up too dead to skin. 
Her task was done; he was all in. 

With all men equal, all men free, 
No sin on earth and no Big G, 
It is no wonder all who wrought 
The change, delighted all who thought. 
No work to plague, in no place need, 
Or want, and free all kinds of feed; 
No pain at all and no disease; 
Gnats turned to flies and flies to fleas 
And fleas in turn to hummingbirds; 
The whole world using English words. 
Not vocalized, but by a look, 
Or 'lectric shock through foil and hook, 
Men thought conveying through the air; 
When none was plain and all were fair; 
When none was rich and none was poor; 
When there was nothing to allure; 
When all were wise, none was a fool; 
When all obeyed the Golden Rule; 
When moral censors were no more, 
The fleet and all the saints it bore, 
Off Bombibaby anchors vast 
Raised, Smash'em on the mizzen-mast. 
From Bombi flew an angel crowd; 
Their flapping wings made music loud 
So dulcet that each fish and brute 
There in gay dance didst evolute. 
With all so pure, all equal, free, 
Sir Hannabras proposed decree 
Which thus he read, or had in mind 
And 'round the globe sent unconfined 
Z-z-i-i-p-p wireless: 

"My Saints: I'm glad 
"On earth no more men may be bad. 
"Which being word none needs repeat, 

-79- 



"Or think, '11 soon be obsolete; 

"So, also, all such words as fraud, 

"Cupidity, bankruptcy, bawd, 

"Seduction, cozen, swindle, cheat, 

"Defaming, lying, lust, deceit, 

"Slaug^hter, slander, servant, slavish, 

"Stigma, subtle, fawning, knavish, 

"Countess, princess, duchess, dastard, 

"Beastly, brutal, beggar, bastard, 

"Nasty, filthy, foul, correction, 

"Hate, repugnance, shame, defection, 

"And thousands more. Where all is right 

"Men's thought and language shine with light 

"Reflected from His throne on high; 

"Words are pale rags, but act is dye 

"That colors them in various hues. 

"Henceforth in heaven's crystal dews 

"All speech, like roses after rain 

"With odor fragrant, shalt detain 

"Pleased sense of eye, of nose, of ear; 

"Sight, smell and sound delightful, clear, 

"Without blot, taint, or discord, then 

"Shalt elevate ecstatic; men 

"In pulpit, forum, and on stage, 

"No more wilt snivel, bellow, rage. 

"Threadbare theology thin, stale, 

"Affected most by men who'd fail 

"In noble callings, now^ we place 

"Securely locked in drybone's case 

"Along with mummies, fossils, shells, 

"And each old thing that musty smells. 

"For nineteen hundred years they've sung 

"Their anthems, and sad changes rung, 

"And still, the fact we deep regret, 

"Till late no land was Christ-like yet. 

"Men whore and murder, steal and maim, 

"Seduce and slander, just the same 

"Beneath His Cross as 'neath Half-Moon, 

"Mohammed's Crescent. Love in June 

"Defies all creeds. The orthodox 

"And heretic in trade play fox; 

"Or, rather, did. My saints you'll hence 

"Correct me if I tup the tense. 

—80- 



"In grammar still are some things few 
"Well to remember and to do, 
"Though it is better to write free 
"Than e'er to stiff rules bend the knee. 
"A pedant full of Pineo 
"And Greek through life may ninny go; 
"Lots of blockheads thrive, grow fat on, 
"Flighty French and pompous Latin, 
"Which in schools the pupils glut on 
"To help professors to get mutton; 
"For some of them so classical, 
"By all just gods, are assical. 
"School principals? Some are superb, 
"Some frothy frauds, vain and absurd. 
"Some even preach, as if the cloth 
"Without them lacked sufficient froth; 
"The saddest sight I ever saw 
"Was principal in pulpit paw 
"Air unoffending as he soared 
"And pompous, thin wind-pudding poured. 
"It gave him joy, it seemed, to hear 
"His platitudes pound on his ear. 
"How picturesque his cave of wind! 
"How awful told he how men sinned! 
"And when that tongue grew tremulous, 
"Of peevish infant emulous, 
"How maidens of uncertain years 
"Sniffed piously and squeezed out tears! 
"But such ripe sage is at his best 
"When he's some hamlet's honored guest; 
"Or called away to spout or preach 
"To scholars young who faithful teach. 
"The village Bennett has proclaimed 
"How Mr. Doodley was obtained 
**To chain and charm the public ear. 
"He comes; in black arrayed austere 
"He is, perhaps, the parson's guest; 
"At any rate, he's fed the best; 
"Fat, village larder, farm and field 
"For his repast are made to yield; 
"For days, perhaps, the village coops 
"Have been denuded of fat troops 
"Of tender hens and cocks in youth 

-81- 



"For pie for great man's tasty tooth. 

"At last he dawns, hke glorious sun, 

"That agitated town upon. 

"Grave men in boiled shirts and kip boots, 

"In hoary hats and rocky suits, 

"Escort him, as their bosoms swell, 

"To favored house, or best hotel, 

"Where he's presented to some few 

"Permitted city sage to view.' 

"Capacious void with unction lined 

"With dainty meats of every kind, 

"Professor Plutarch Cicero 

"Spinoza Paul Correggio, 

"Escorted by the hamlet's head, 

"Is to the hall of triumph led. 

"Jammed full of rustic maiden grace 

"And gallant farmers, babes in lace, 

"Grave patriarchs and buxom wives, 

"P. P. C. S. P. C. arrives. 

"Stern chairman, Bacon of the town, 

"By learning's lion sitteth down, 

"Whilst through the hall is heard loud hum 

"And whispered, 'That's him!' 'Yes, he's come! 

"Slow and majestic, link by link, 

"The chair arises, takes a drink, 

"And then awhile, in floral speech, 

"Throws all the bouquets he can reach 

"Upon Professor So-and-So, 

"In this case Paul Correggio, 

"Who has come far, perhaps a score 

"Of miles, on them to learning pour. 

"Applause subsiding, Wisdom opes 

"Its doors and lore flows forth in tropes, 

"Professor P. C. yielding all 

"Rich store in his fat citadel, 

"Profusely pouring what all know 

"In lofty periods that flow 

"Sonorous, like sheer waterfall, 

"Or low of kine that blatter, bawl. 

"And so your mighty mental Thor, 

"Some school controlling, travels o'er 

"Land unprotected, unpoliced, 

"To pose, blow pompous and high feast, 

-82— 



"Whilst understrapper does school work 
''Paul Cicero does chronic shirk. 
"But that Paul works along" such rule 
"Is best, dead sure, for public school 
"He plays for sucker. 

"But to reach 
"Instructor who's superbest peach 
"You've got to use persimmon poles 
"And poke to touch art teachers' souls. 
"Such in the public schools impart 
"More far than Titian knew of art 
"And every month at least a crowd 
"Of master artists, peerless, proud, 
"Turn finished out to paint and carve. 
"Art teachers never need to starve 
"So long as education's board 
"'S so kind to let jobs which afford 
"Famed teaching" Titians, when in luck, 
"Sufficient coin to buy their chuck. 
"Hence, many art instructors high 
"Need not for charity apply, 
"And with their blues and blacks and browns 
"Are not gaunt charges on the towns. 
"Art education thus buys meat 
"Whilst proving boon the most complete; 
"Thus art and aliment, like twins, 
"Proceed abreast upon their pins, 
"The palette, mahl-stick, tube and brush 
"Fast making masters and meal mush. 
"Apt teacher, using scarlet lake, 
"Earns fame, and pork in pie to bake. 
"Art elevating with an ease 
"That must delight the poor trustees, 
"Who, when he's daubing, well may bless 
"Their stars they have one pauper less. 
"Hence, it is plain, your school-room art 
"Plays near the poor-house no mean part. 
"Pay given Angelos employed 
"In schools to fill art's aching void 
"Is poor and thin, but all may learn 
"Small wage is larger than they earn; 
"For artist who is fit to teach 
"Is far beyond the school-board's reach, 

-S3- 



"Such artist making in one day 
"Far more, perhaps, than board could pay 
"Art daub a year. School art 's cheap job 
"To pupils cheat, taxpayers rob." 

Sir Hannabras a week or more 

Sat pouring out deep flood of lore, 

For which sage senate oft had cause 

To raise the rafters with applause. 

Knight's manifesto, long spun out. 

Concluded darkly, in much doubt. 

So often platforms, which when clear 

Embarrass bosses and fetch fear. 

A principle or platform dark 

Oft saves intact politic ark. 

There is the tariff. Understood 

'Twere longer very little good 

As campaign, presidential cry; 

But, mooted solemn, fat may fry 

For generations in each state, 

And curbstone Catos agitate. 

However, knight, through cloud and haze, 

Emitted final some few rays, 

Advising fleet, from his high perch 

To raze to earth each Christian church, 

"Now," he said, "needless, since no sin 

"Nor stain, nor crime, can enter in 

"The Greater Eden, blooming fair 

"Not here alone, but everywhere." 

^^hen 'twas suggested that to Burke 

All churches meant the cloth must work. 

Knight said: "All right; there's no excuse 

"The cloth should longer be no use." 

So as they traveled, in their path 

Were churches ruined, as if wrath 

Of Turk with heretic delight 

Had wrecked each church with dynamite. 

Church-smashing pleased the Lord, Who lent 

Sir H. gold crown magnificent. 



-84- 



REMARKABLE RELIGIOUS REVELRY. 

With Her bright pinions open wide, 
Meek Kansas Carrie, morals' bride, 
In liquid air winged far before 
Sir Hannabras and many score 
Of glorious ships. So sailed they on 
Until they entered Washington, 
Where all in splendid, rich array 
Met Hannaites and cried, "Huzza!" 
McKinley said to them: 

"My Friends, 
"Who've traveled to remotest ends 
"Of this sad vale of touching tears, 
"I bid you welcome." (Rousing cheers.) 
"Sir Hannabras, Sir Tedvelt, She, 
"And all brave others, who o'er sea, 
"Or land, in air, toiled for His cause, 
"I kindly thank you." (Wild applause.) 
"Through war myself, I safe may state 
"What you endured I 'predate. 
"Your capture of the serpent, men, 
"Was joyous news, especial when 
"Base rumor had it I had e'en 
"Been found to wink at base canteen!" 
(Loud demonstration.) "That foul lie" 
(Tremendous cheering) "now here I 
"Hurl back defiant! Since I've been 
"Executive no drop of gin 
"Nor other liquor has been sold 
"Elsewhere or here to men enrolled 
"Beneath our flag!" (Applause, renewed. 
For full five minutes here ensued.) 
"That lie 's forever nailed, I trust!" 
(Laughter and cheers.) "Your fatal thrust 
"Into hot vitals of lust vile, 
"Curst stream that rises like the Nile, 
"The world astounding e'er shalt bless! 
"I would say more, but duties press. 

-85- 



"A man from Canton calls at 2 
"To pick an office. I am due 
"To meet him the capitol; 
"And, so, I say farewell to all." 

Then cries for Smash' em long and loud 
Arose from that distinguished crowd. 
Erect, She said: 

"Good People, though 
"We've rid the world of most all woe, 
"Much work remains. I hear some chaps 
"Here in this capital shoot craps! 
"I here was e'en informed today 
"Some brazen women euchre play! 
"And here today I also hear 
"Some men of congress drink small-beer! 
"And other swill, if men say true, 
"Is rampant here. It's iron-brew! 
"I also learn, through Fang I think, 
"That here are teas the press calls pink. 
"And I observe that there are halls 
"In which they play, and pull off balls. 
"And I have noticed you have shows 
"In which young women wear short clothes. 
"That is abhorrent! And, again, 
"I see a lot of smoking men! 
"It's said also here women be 
"Who lallygag upon beau's knee! 
"It's said — but none can credit this — 
"That males and maidens hug and kiss! 
"I understand, too, there's dark game 
"Called poker here. If so, what shame! 
"And I have seen, with my own eyes, 
"Men deep engaged in chucking dice! 
"Such crime so frightful here I've seen, 
"Or heard about! Deeds so unclean 
"Will sink your city, and pell-mell 
"Send every one of you to hell! 
"Repent, O sinners! Burn dance halls! 
"Cut out your capers and your balls! 
"And quit your kissing, for it sure 
"As shootin' is warm crime impure! 
"And hugging? I would like to see 

-86- 



"The viper who'd try that on me! 

"I come from Kansas, where no rag 

"Is hugged till wed, you bet your bag! 

"Some said millennium had come 

"When we had killed off lust and rum, 

"But were misled. The world, I find, 

"In places still is beastly, blind. 

"No land is one of purity 

""When it's polluted with pink-tea! 

"No state can holily suit Nash 

"Nor me where young folks live who mash! 

"God's favors ne'er upon you'll drop 

"If you imbibe fell swill of hop! 

"No senator shall heaven see 

"If with typewriters he makes free! 

"Hence, law should rule compelling men 

"To write alone with good quill-pen; 

"These type-machines, with bells and keys, 

"Lead men to vile iniquities. 

"And there's another institute 

"That is more base: The bathing-suit! 

"They show too much when loose or tight, 

"And lead to things I can't recite. 

"And these here dresses women wear 

"With arms and backs and breasts all bare! 

"They are an awful sight to see 

"Though single, or in pregnancy, 

"The women are who have them on. 

"They beat the devil, men, I'll swan! 

"But on the earth no fleshy frights 

"Can e'er approach pink, female tights! 

"I'd just as soon my legs disclose 

"Right here in my white underclothes 

"As wear them tight, pink, nasty things! 

"When Old Nick sees them how he sings! 

"And in the papers are foul ads 

"Displaying female things and fads 

"That ministers, in their grand might, 

"Should swipe and knock clean out of sight! 

"Some low down ads the printer sets 

"Show ladies' chimmies, pantalets, 

"The underdrawers and corsets, too! 

"Such sights corrupt and ruin you! 

-87- 



"And statuary? Many a niche 
"Holds marble bawds without one stitch! 
"And e'en in papal Vatican 
"They boast about a marble man 
"So bare he made me hide my face. 
"He is disgusting, damned disgrace! 
"In park, in theater and hall 
"Art things display no clothes at all, 
"And on your bill-boards in the nude, 
"To which so oft my eyes are glued, 
"I've pictures seen in my old days 
"So shocking they the dead might raise! 
"And I've seen live stock running out 
"Without a fig-leaf on, or clout! 
"And I suggest that someone picks 
"A suit to clothe the crucifix. 
"And there are dogs that run the street 
"And bargains soil! That's indiscreet 
"To say the very least of it 
"And should by law be fatal hit. 
"Put higher up fruits, meats and togs, 
"Or else let's have much smaller dogs! 
"Another thing: It's coarse, I think, 
"For sucking babes to public drink; 
"Or used to be. Of course, now when 
"The babe from heaven falls bright gem, 
"No sin henceforth may morals blight 
"With or without your marriage rite. 
"There's danger great, too, in rich food; 
"It stirs hot passion in your blood; 
"Hence, hymns and hardtack, I declare, 
"And so should law, should be sole fare 
"Of all men mortal. It's no dream 
"That colic should supplant ice-cream 
"And every kind of fancy meat 
"So prone the heart to highly heat. 
"This salt and pepper— all such spice — 
"Are fraught with diabolic vice, 
"And jams, preserves and marmalade, 
"O, friends, how hellish they degrade! 
"The congress, too, I hold should pass 
"A law suppressing drinking-glass, 
"Which, times recalling when in use 

—88- 



"Such ware, may make some long for juice 

"Of hop and rye and barleycorn, 

"Which true reform holds in such scorn. 

"Another edible that's ripe 

"With tort terrifical is tripe, 

"Which almost is so foul as cribbage, 

"Cantaloupes and pickled cibbage. 

"Stuffed eggs and lobsters, turkey-boned, 

"O, Lord, how oft through them I've groaned! 

"Calf's-liver broiled and kidney-stew 

"No Christian may with safety chew. 

"To beef-hash, shrimp and caper-sauce 

"How oft damned soul may trace its loss! 

"And English, friends, has no fit words 

"To score cold bot's and small, hot birds. 

"Food makes you, people. Most life mild, 

"Eats grass though beast be tame or wild. 

"The savage and the ravenous, 

"You know, are most carnivorous." 

"But why," cried voice, "do you destroy 
"God's temples bringing peace and joy?" 

"Why? do you ask? Because the Lord 
"Asks not in them to be adored. 
"He asks no pictures, no immense 
"Cathedrals, organs, no incense! 
"He. in the manger born and laid, 
"Cares not for vestments rich displayed! 
"The hills and dales, the deep, dark woods, 
"The mountains grand, vast solitudes, 
"Beneath His blue and boundless sky, 
"Built by His hands, more sanctify 
"Than all the tawdry pomp and art 
"Designed to awe and thrill man's heart. 
"More sacred beauty blooms for me 
"In thorn-bush than in rosary; 
"There's more of pathos in deep hush 
"Of autumn eve, or song of thrush, 
"Or russet dawn, or waterfall, 
"Than in St. Peter's. Jesus. Paul. 
"Mohammed— all the greatest, best. 
"Mild, noble and the tenderest— 

-89- 



"In spreading- fields, on mounts, in meads, 
"Taught men His will, not barren creeds 1 
"The fairest fane for God on earth 
"Is clean heart pure as tiabe at birth! 
"Your churches low in ruins now 
"AVere social temples largely. How 
"Each strived the other to surpass 
"In richness, grandeur, wealth and class! 
"You'd think the Lord, so poor of old, 
"Were money-mad— athirst for gold! 
"And these niched saints in every town? • 
"Each saint tricked out like gaudy clow^n! 
"The truth to tell, ere this new age, 
"The pulpit much stood like the stage. 
"Meek pastor, like gay actor, makes 
"His play for highest stipend — stakes. 
"And each alike his words prepares — 
"The one his part, the other prayers. 
"And actor's grief and preacher's tear 
"Are ten to one alike sincere. 
"Both hot to climb, to dazzle eyes, 
"With equal skill well advertise. 
"Each, always on alert for fame, 
"Parades his sermons, dramas, name. 
"And each alike most conquests makes, 
"Not for the Lord, but ladies' sakes. 
"Stage-den or church attracts the fair, 
"Not for the play so much, nor prayer, 
"But that such proper, public place, 
"Mart full of brig-htness, men and grace, 
"Incites display of Cupid's arms 
"That hint of hidden female charms. 
"Each church, except your Catholic, 
"Is largely social, fussy trick; 
"And e'en old papal is not free 
"From studied, veiled hypocrisy. 
"But 'spite its arts, it still remains 
"Majestic monarch with some stains. 
"Now nearly all swell pulpits stink 
"With stench of scandal, or of chink. 
"How kindly your good parson spares 
"Lines Sunday sinning! Why? Half-fares! 
"But Sunday ball? Good heavens! That 



—90- 



** 'S far worse? than work to heap more fat 

"On Croesus Sunday! He dares pray 

"Whilst Sunday serfs for him make hay! 

"And white-tie preacher's seldom stirred 

"Against Wealth's line to say one word! 

"Some preachers are a sickly set, 

"Mean begging, pinching, e'er in debt; 

"Some, full of vim, and blood, and meat, 

"Leer even from the Mercy Seat; 

"Some, ever yelling "Charity!" 

"Ne'er gave one cent to poverty. 

"Your pulpit and your church both seem 

*''Te realize deception's dream. 

"Cant is their creed; and TTiarisees, 

" 'Neath formal cloth alert for fees, 

"Like Yatman, both smooth knave and liar, 

"Work like most men for snaps and hire. 

"Such some few reasons why we razed 

"Deception's halls and joyful gazed" — 

An angel of gigantic size, 
"Nasli" on his wings, "Cox" in his eyes, 
Here circling o'er the host appeared. 
Him Smash'em saw and said: 

"I beared 
."About this angel fair you see; 
"He will for pres'dent run with me. 
"He's to be head and me the tail. 
"And say? You bet that we will sail 
"Into the White House with a roar 
"Of loud acclaim in four years more! 
"The platform full will simply be: 
"'Nash! Nation! God! And Purity! ' 
"Just them five words. Now Seraph Nash 
"I'll introduce." 

A blinding flash 
Zigzagging from his gorgeous wings, 
Of gold and opal and such things. 
And halo, made vast concourse blink. 
Presenting him She said : 

"I think 
"Brief speeches best. All I will say 
"Is, 'Here is God's true dep-u-tay!' " 



-91- 



Nash, bowing-, said: "I'm pleased to see 

"How apt your chairman classes me. 

"Some days and nig-hts it is since I 

"Was closeted with Him on high. 

"I'm free to say He is the most 

"August and pleasing, model host. 

"We talked about Jeff.-Ruhlin fight 

"He bade me stop. I said, 'All right!' 

"He asked me then if I'd consent 

"To run with Smash for president. 

"I told him that my modesty, 

"Which is my main commodity, 

"And fact Ohio is my state, 

"Not only made me hesitate, 

"But utterly refuse. The Lord 

"Then tried persuasion, and He soared 

"Upon an oratoric flight 

"To shake my purpose. Lest I might 

"Seem deaf and cold and in stern mood 

"Suggesting some ingratitude, 

"I final said, 'I'll think of it.' 

"Then joy His face majestic lit! 

"He said He'd take me to His Son, 

" 'Whom,' said He, 'you rely upon 

" 'In your campaign. He helped elect 

" 'McKinley and will not deflect. 

" 'He, like Myself and Hannabras, 

" 'Is in your great g. o. p. class, 

" 'And always does His best, through Me, 

" 'To bring your party victory.' 

"Hence, in a way, it is alleged, 

"With Smash' em I am partly pledged 

"To stand as party's nominee, 

"A pleasing fact that says to me 

"The public's heart was in full tune— 

"Beat with my own in unison— 

"When, with McKinley, Mark and Cox, 

"To Jeff and Gus I put the blocks." 

"Wild cheer tremendous tore the air 
As he wound up. Then Smash'em fair 
In her huge wings, cried, "Come along!" 
Some winged and others walked whilst song 

-92- 



Inspired all. They rushed to greet 
McKinley pure in Virtue's seat. 



MARCH OF THE MILLENNIUM. 

Miltonian hell looms grand above 
His Paradise illumed with love. 
So in this Iliad. When gore, 
Conflicting legions, ravage sore, 
Heap mounds of dead upon the plain, 
The poorest pen respect may gain. 
But theme concerning but the blest, 
In beauty's numbers to be drest. 
Dismays your bards, who vainly try 
To paint perfection. 

Teddy, Frye, 
Sir Hannabras and Parkhurst, Joe 
Ice Poraker, whose breath brought snow. 
And many more, a glorious sea. 
Surged toward the Seat of Purity, 
Whence, with Bill's blessing, each saint went 
Back to his Bible reverent. 
Millennium, then reigning czar- 
No sign of sin on earth to mar- 
Worked many wonders which we note 
For benefit of times remote: 

Each being equal; all in grace; 

No want nor wine in any place; 

No Caesar combine, tyrant trust; 

No lechery; no lethal lust; 

No bank nor banker toil to rob; 

No senate nor Wall street to job; 

No war cheap heroes to create; 

No West Point gods to incubate; 

No tattered title, foul and old. 

Shipped over to be wed to gold; 

No puppy count; no poxy puke 

In peerage pictured princely duke; 

No cuckold rich through faithless wife; 

No preacher leading double life: 

-93- 



No g-overnor in league with Cox: 

No pious whelp to water stocks; 

No mission feeding heathen strife; 

No saint demanding Ah Sin's life; 

No hypocrite in padded pew; 

No Huxley, infidel, nor Jew; 

No merchant in church masquerade 

For custom's sake; no trick in trade: 

No charity well advertised; 

No paper richly subsidized; 

No court consenting to be bribed; 

No Moneybag high deified; 

No senate cowed by Hanna whip. 

Nor waiting for shrewd Wall-street tip; 

No female convict, fair of face, 

Well-favored in her prison place: 

No poor ass bearing campaign lamp; 

No probate court plain probate scamp; 

No stupid after-dinner talk; 

No guardian kite; no legal hawk; 

No fat-head doctor leagued with death; 

No gallows grim to shut off breath; 

No Richardson to prostitute 

Himself to help his chums to loot; 

No Carpenter to sell for cash. 

To papers, stale and stupid hash; 

No pompous puttypate to rule. 

Disturb, degrade, the public school; 

No miser, meaner than the damned; 

No red-tape Pandar in command; 

No upstart wearing stolen plumes; 

No Solon running gambling rooms; 

No sermon captioned crowds to catch; 

No widow, keen for one more match; 

No minister in debt for board. 

The debt forgotten, or ignored; 

No belly robbed to robe the back; 

No blackmail Hawkshaw to attack; 

No crawling court the rich to fawn; 

No widow aged in ^ixteen's lawn; 

Then all things — living, action, dress — 

Saw oddest metamorphosis. 

All, knowing- virtue is austere, 



■94- 



Put off and burned old-time, gay gear. 

In black and brown all were arrayed; 

Each was the true, millennial shade. 

Matron or maid with eyes of blue 

Regretted much that worldly hue; 

So saintmen went around with dyes 

To change all blue to dark-hued eyes. 

In cheek no pink rose dared to bloom, 

But sallow was with sacred gloom, 

A sort of yellow mixed with brown. 

Sin's cherry lips, too, were put down. 

For fear their locks might prove damned snare. 

Wise law made women shave their hair. 

That either sex should prove no lure 

Their clothing plain, locked on secure. 

Was made of metal, wood, or hide; 

One suit for ages would abide. 

Carrie Smash'em was screwed in 

In brass and sound McKinley tin 

When called to riot. Her home suits 

Were made of bits from old kip boots. 

Her apron, built of pigs of ore. 

Impervious shield, reached shoes She wore. 

Her under garments, made to last, 

She had for safety foundry cast. 

The men wore broadtails made to rest, 

Securely padlocked, on steel vest. 

The keys were kept, subject to call. 

By man elected every fall 

To hold and guard them. When in need 

Of keys the men to him would speed ; 

But, sometimes starting off too late. 

Mishaps ensued too sad to state. 

Sir Hannabras once lost his key; 

Three days in untold agony 

He suffered meek, and told each one, 

" 'Tis sad; but, then. His will be donel " 

And cruel fate, on torture bent. 

Mishap the same to Smash'em sent. 

Then there was rushing to and fro! 

All eyes were seen to overflow 

One sombre night whilst toiled amain 

Smiths to release her from her pain. 

-95 - 



With chisels, hammers, punches, poles 
And files they sought to sink in holes 
In each of which to put steel wedge 
To batter down with maul or sledge; 
But Carrie's garb a-scenting rape 
Retained intact its sacred shape 
Until they Parkhurst called to pray 
And Teddyvelt to blaze away. 
The prayers, and bullets Teddy shot, 
Apt, soon and deeply hit the spot. 
At last released, saved from the dead, 
She to the Holy Bath was led 
In private tub, where no male eye 
Could, as in Newport, hope to spy. 

Millennial life so pure and true 

Was what base sinners would dub blue. 

No music, save doxology, 

Allowed was by new ology. 

Dull sermon was the only speech 

In public heard. No on€ dared teach 

From anything except The Book, 

In whicla stern law forced all to look 

For sixteen hours every day; 

The Bible-houses stacked up hay. 

From sea to sea, from pole to pole, 

All were engaged to save the soul; 

All robed alike, each holy set 

Suggested somewhat Joliet, 

T\^here once Chicago used to swarm 

Like flies inside ere summer storm. 

Sir Hannabras, all saints confessed 

Howe'er, some trifle stood the best 

And could have been with full consent 

Elected pope or president; 

Mark said in truth sage law forbade; 

And so, unofficered, they prayed 

And marched, a-hymning as they went, 

From continent to continent. 

Quite thirteen hundred millions strong 

They moved a praying, singing throng. 

Far casting into deepest shade 



Old Hermit Pete and his crusade. 
Sir Hannabras, Parkhurst and Ted 
And Smash'em, four abreast, host led, 
McKinley coming next alone 
Upon huge charger, color roan. 
Then former kings and cardinals 
And all such fry in carry-alls 
Moved stately on; close them behind 
Came bishops, preachers and that kind 
Their women with. So Louis went 
To war with mistress regiment. 
Next, diplomats and senators; 
Behind them troops of governors; 
State legislators next were seen; 
Next, Boston men, each with huge bean 
Of wood upon long pole or pike; 
Dick Croker and Tom Piatt alike 
On heelers mounted ambled by; 
Then all the rest, a countless fry, 
Slow moved majestic. 

Xerxes cried 
Beholding his vast tyrant tide; 
Had he beheld knights' holy flood 
He would have sweat out kingly blood. 
O, moving scene! O, glorious sight! 
A world of men in peaceful might, 
United in His bonds of love, 
In stately march for Him above! 
Parkhurst sometimes was seen to rise 
And circle o'er them in fair skies. 
As if the earth were not quite meet 
For him to touch \^th holy feet. 
McKinley, too, upon his horse 
Would rise and through the ether course; 
Once, so afloat, his charger soiled 
Somewhat some saints, who smiled unroiled, 
Good Rockefeller also flew 
Sometimes high up in cobalt blue; 
King Edward once essayed same thing. 
But, fluttering, fell and wrecked left wing. 
So, also, sometimes, up went Frye, 
But always did imperfect fly. 
Boy Bryan soared up like a kite, 

-97- 



He often going out of sight. 

All animals also had wings 

And flew about in flocks and strings, 

On many of them saints astride 

Enjoying high, aerial ride. 

And so the blessed and the beast 

Perpetual from west to east 

With inward joy, but sombre grace, 

Inspiring awed with august pace, 

Or circling flight in ambient air. 

Prodigious pageant solemn, rare. 

When passing ruined throne or fane 

Would stop awhile in vale or plain 

To pour out special thanks that they 

Had leveled pomp's and pride's display 

And trampled to eternal dust 

All cant, and wealth, and war, and lust. 

And made the world, once seeming lost, 

Frail bark on sinful Lethe tossed, 

Resound with anthems, holy groans, 

Seraphic tears and sacred moans. 

O, how delightful it must be 

To Him to hear such minstrelsy I 

How He must bend, enravished. ear 

To catch the wails of pulpiteer! 

How it must joy bright hosts on high 

To hear paid preachers canting cry! 

How gladly He, with eye intent, 

Marks how each Christian fasts through Lent! 

How Peter, with his pen and fount 

Of gold ink, glad keeps each account! 

And how in heaven there's a#day 

Of special praise when Carnegie 

An organ gives to glorious peal: 

"Salvation's free! Let combines steal!" 

And how the devil takes a sneak 

When saints like Yatman deign to speak! 

So Teddy, when he shot at things, 

And filled the West with hides and wings. 

Made thrones and foreign despots shake 

And treatment for fear-ague take. 



~^^~ .31' 



So moving on majestic, slow, 

'Neath tropic sun, in northern snow. 

The host ne'er felt the heat nor cold 

(E'en flame burnt not rare saints of old). 

Nor felt fatigued, but stouter grew 

The more they walked, and prayed, and flew. 

Just so the athlete. Exercise 

Strength kneads into his arms, trunk, thighs. 

The blacksmith's hammer arm is strong 

Through systematic action long. 

So host in grace. They waxed so fair 

In holiness all sailed in air. 

The earth disdaining, high they went 

Up, up into His firmament; 

Sir Hannabras, now in the lead, 

Upon huge boss of Norman breed, 

Upon gold, mighty trumpet blew 

Blasts thrilling all creation through. 

Saint Peter, peeping out the door. 

Heard easily that dulcet roar. 

And summoned all to rush in haste 

To see approaching countless chaste. 

All heaven dropped upon its knees 

Awaiting King of Subsidies 

And Kansas Carrie. All went through 

The pearly gate as if they knew 

The place of old, and felt as when 

They'd safely got back home again. 

Indeed, said Carrie: 

"I am lucky: 
"This makes me think of old KentuckyI" 
Yet felt some pain. She wished to know 
Why angels cut their gowns so low: 
But when transformed to be so fair 
She was content; and peace reigned there I 
Saint Peter, who had ages slaved, 
Perceiving most earth-born were saved. 
Closed books, locked up and threw worn key 
Far off and danced in ecstasy. 
Then to Sir Hannabras he said: 

"This gold crown. He placed on your head. 
"Denotes that you, who saved all earth, 



VofC. 



-99- 



"We recognize at your high worth. 
"This lad, your boy, McKinley here, 
"And these chaste chiefs, whom we revere, 
"Are now your servants as they w^ere 
"Once down below, where men didst err 
"Until your wisdom and your grace 
"Redeemed the sinful, scoundrel race. 
"Now heaven is shut. Though others yell 
"To enter, they go plumb to. hell! 
"For we know all fit to come in 
"Are here, redeemed from every sin. 
"I'm pleased to see no Democrat 
"Sneaked in with you. Where they are at 
"I think it is a trifle hot. 
"Republicans are all we've got 
"Since you. Sir Knight, began to reign; 
"They only, knight, are free from stain. 
"I noticed Bryan was inclined 
"To come along. He changed his mind! 
"Where William now is, I've advice, 
"He'll not presume to harvest ice. 

"But I must hence. You and each friend 
"Peace find for aye! Joy without end!" 

So Peter left them; and now here 
Close we this book of their career. 
Which, we regret to own, can't be 
Preserved complete in history. 
The loss is yours and mine, not theirs; 
For each with Hannabras now wears 
Bright crown of glory near His throne; 
Mac sits there solemn on winged roan. 



Metropolitan Oyster and Chop House 

1 1 W. FEDERAL ST., YOUNGSTOWN, 0. 
MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS, 

OPEN DAY AND NIGHT. 



SPECIALTIES: 

Shell Oysters^ Lobsters^ Crabs and 
All Other Sea Food, and All Kinds 
of Game in Season* S* J* J* J* J» 

French Drip Coffee ! Best en Earth ! 

JOSEPH SWIESLER, Proprietor. 

^^ Ycungstown^s Best Restaurant m^^ 



C. W. DEIBEL, 
Leading Tailor, 

206 W. Federal St. 



H ARTZELL ! 



Clothing made in proper style, 
and stays in proper shape 



HARTZELL! 




If You Want the Best 

Bicycle^ Gun, Pocket 
KnifOf Shears or Razor 

— CALL ON — 

M. E. LEWIS 

Sole Agent for the Highest Grade 

....BICYCLES.... 

The Cleveland, Crescent, Niagara, &c 



We do All Kinds of Repairing. 
11 SOUTH RHELPS ST. 



J^otel Spencer^ 



C. 9//. Spencer, SProp* r. 



335 to 34 J 7l/* federal Si.j 2/oun^^stown, O 



Opposite SPenna, ^epot. 



THE JAMES SQUIRE CO. 

Have established their Roofing and Sheet 
Metal Shops at No. 355, 357 and 359 East 
Wood Street, where they have the best fa- 
cilities in the Mahoning Valley for 

SLATE ROOFING AND SHEET METAL WORK OF ALL KINDS 

Gravel and Asphalt Roofing Material 
Always on Hand ^ ^ 

Both Phones No. 91. 



STOF> ATT TTHK 

fjp^rk hotel 

CENXRAIv SQUARE. 

The Popular House GEO. W. SCHWARTZ, 

of the city. Proprietor. 

E. C- VIALU 

MANUFACTURER OF 

Cigars and Wholesale Tobacconist 

( Faultless lOc and 
SPECIALTIES: 

(Rex Sc Cigars. 

Both Telephones. 24 South Hazel Street. 



WHEN IN YOUNGSTOWN STOP AT THE 

SHERMAN HOUSE: 

JAMES H. McGRAW, Ppoprietor. 



First^'Ciass Sampie Roan in Gonnectionm 



Telephone 324. No. 201 West Federal Street, 

GEORGE W. FRY, 



PROPRIETOR OF THE 



Club Billiard Parlors and Sample Room 

FINE LINE OF 

IMPORTED AND DOMESTIC CIGARS. 

16 South Phelps Sti*eet, Voungsto^vn, Ohio 

New Phone 1035. 



AMOS McQRAW'S 

HOTEL DUQUESNE 

CAFE AND RESTAURANT 

(The latter open at all hours.) 

Bar Stocked with the Choicest Liquors and Cigars. 

Amos is one of the most popular landlords in the universe. Give him a 

call, laugh and grow fat, and be better prepared to 

enjoy post-mortem felicity. 



Motel Salow 

(EUROPEAN PLAN) 

32 to 38 North Phelps St. Youngstown, Ohio. 

Entirely renovated and remodeled. Everything 
new and up-to-date. Located in the business part 
of the city. Convenient to the Erie, P. & L. E.. 
and all other railroad stations. Electric bells and 
telephone connection in every room, and one of 
the finest dining rooms in Eastern Ohio, (^uick 
lunch in connection. 

Telephone 385. E. SALOW, Proprietor. 



The HUSS BROS. MFG. CO 

BUILDERS AND DESIONERS OF 

Bar Fixtures 

Billiard Tables 
Bank anil Office Fixtures 

Cor. JohQ and Carlisle Ave. Cincinnati, OlliO 

Between 5th and 6th Streets. ' 

REPRKSENTED BY 

JoHn K. McOowan, - Youm^stowii, OHio 



Persons 
Contemplating 

Smashing, Chopping, Splitting, Hewing, 

Etc., will find an excellent stock of Axes, 
Hatchets, Etc., at 

THE MORRIS HARDWARE STORE 



HEADQUARTERS 



For Fine TooEs of Every Desoriptionm 

W. K. WAQINER, 

PROPRIETOR 

White Line Bottling Works 

MANUFACTURER OF ALL KINDS OF 

Carbonated Beverages 

Ginger Ale, Iron Brew, Sarsaparilla, Birch Beer, 
Lemon Sour, Strawberry, Lemon, &c. 



SODA FOUNTS CHARGED TO ORDER. 

Phone 276. Bottling Works 556, 558 & 560 Mahoning Ave 

VOUISGSTOWIV, OHIO. 



"THE HUB Ci^FE" 

541-543 Mahoning Ave., West Side, 

THOS. W. HARDESTY, - Proprietor. 



The handsomest and neatest bar in the city. Lunch 
counter in connection. 



Courteous Treatment Guaranteed. 



JOHN GAI.L\GHER 






20-j2^ 



NORTfP 
HAZEC^ 



LIQUORS 



ipa^ 



^pH,ov\w 



THE OLD RELIABLE 

ame:rican house 

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT 

238 AND 240 WEST FEDERAL STREET. 

Good accommodations. Day and all nioht lunch 

room in connection. Rates reasonable. 

Courteous treatment. 

TYRRELL & DEMPSEY, Proprietors. 



Park 
Theatre 



SOUTH CHAMPION 
STREET. 



Handsomest Polite Vaudeville House 



Between New Yoric and Chicago . . . 



BEST ATTRACTIONS ALWAYS 



MATINEES 



Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays 
PRICES; lOc, 20c, 30c and 50c. 

PEOPLE'S AMUSEMENT CO. 



Hotel Wick Cafe 

MOST CENTRALLY LOCATED IN VOUNQSTOWN 

A PLACE FOR GENTLEMEN. 



flost enjoyable resort in the city. 
Courteous Treatment 



Finest of Brew and Still Kept Constantly in Stock. 

served every day from ii:oo a. m. to 
2:00 p. m., Only 15 G&nts • • . • 

Attractive in its Appearance. Clean in its Appointments 
Perfect in its Equipments. 

W. M. MoKAY, Proprietor. 



Choicest Brands Liquors Finest Havana Cigars. 



WM. J. BEAKE, 

PROPRIETOR — 

BEAKE'S CAFE 

251 East Federal Street 



RESTAURAINT 

...Open Day and Night.... YOUINOSTOWIN, O 



# Have the 
Latest and Best 
Instruments Made 

To thofougfhiy examine your eyes with» 
Also have the ability to properly use 
the instruments* When you have your 
eyes examined here you have the satis- 
faction of knowing: that it is rights and 
that my advice can be relied upon^ as 
over J 0,000 people in Y^oungstown and 
vicinity will testify* J» J* J' J' J* J» 



FREE EYE EXAMINATION. 

Eye Speoialist and Optician 

Office in F. M. Powers' Jewelry Store, 
34 NORTH PHELPS STREET. 



Drink 



Home 




Brewed 



Beer. 



A. J. KA.SXAR, 

204 West Federal Street. 

....TI)e Senate.... 

One of the cosiest resorts in the country, with a veter= 

an host to extend courtesies, humor, exhilara^ 

tion and all the old»tinie and up=to» 

date narcotics and nectars. 



The Phoenix^ 

J. A. MOVER, PROP. 

Old Whiskies a Specialt y,, Moerlein Beer on Draught 

303 W. FEDERAL STREET, 
YOUIVGSTOWIV, OHIO. 



WILLIAMS & HERRMAN, 

No. 12 MILL STREET. 

Lunch and Sample Room 

With a full and fine line of the most palatable solids and 

liquids, served in attractive style and 

with a warm welcome. 



•> ^v 



Mav-O. lOiSA 



